Shame she's a whore
by Echante
Summary: Mark and Addison over the years.
1. People are strange

I've never written Grey's Anatomy before... it was always FRIENDS... so. This is my attempt! I am intending long term maddison:-)

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I was never shy. That wasn't a problem. Tact was never absent, wasn't a problem for me. Charm… I could use more of. But I got my share of guys despite my initial hostile demeanors. They were never the problem. My problem was that I didn't know what I wanted. And that caused me a lot of problems.

So when his gorgeous body walked in and sat his fine ass next to me, I snapped, "The seat is taken."

He only grinned mockingly, "You think that'll stop me?" Cocky. I strangely like it. I would never admit it. He ordered a beer and then turned to me saying, "So who is he? I bet I can take him."

I scoff, saying, "Really? I don't even think you could take ME." Of course I was lying. I could see the muscular frame of his Pecs even underneath the gray sweater he was wearing.

He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I'd like to take you home." And he pulled away, a wicked grin on his face.

I glare at him, "Go to hell."

He drowned his beer and called for another before replying, "You have spunk… I hate spunk."

I smiled, catching his reference which pleases him, "So you're familiar with Mary Tyler Moore..."

"I do watch TV." I murmur, not willing to admit to myself that his charm was getting to me.

He grins a toothy white grin, and I fight the urge to hit him for looking so smug. So instead I shoot him a warning glare and say, "The seat is still taken."

He shrugs, "I'll keep it warm for your buddy."

I roll my eyes, and ignore him, sipping at my martini.

"Can I buy you a drink?" he asks.

I point to my own, "I already have one."

"Ah. I see." He says, more uncomfortable silence. Well on my part, he is sitting there with a smirk on his face, studying mine. He likes this! The thought infuriates me.

"Question." He interrupts.

"You really can't shut up can't you!" I exclaim. He only grins. I sigh, "Fine." I resign, "One question."

"What's a pretty girl like you doing in a bar like this?"

I glare but reply, "I'm meeting someone."

"Yeah but here? Shouldn't you be off somewhere with unpronounceable names and designer dresses…. That's where I'd take you if you were meeting me…."

"It's a first date." I sigh, letting on a little more than I had planned to tell him, "I…" I stutter, "I only met him once, and I was…" This was embarrassing, "I was working as a tutor…"

He laughs at me, "You're a tutor?"

"Shut up… At least I have a brain!" I shoot at him, realizing it was a flimsy excuse.

He looks at me, "Hey." He replies defensively, "What makes you think I don't have a brain?" and goes on to list credentials, "third year at Columbia, graduated high school top of my class, along with being the homecoming king…" he smirks, "and captain of the football team. Pre-med, early acceptance into Harvard med AND PennState med. So…."

I gape at him and then reply, "Third year Columbia…." And rat off the rest, "Graduated valedictorian full scholarship to Hardvard, NYU and Columbia, my pick," and "Pre-med, early acceptance into Penn State and Yale."

He looks shocked, "Didn't take you for a smarty pants."

I shrug, "I am."

He changes the subject, "So why's your boyfriend late?"

I glare, "I'm actually early…" I admit sheepishly, "I wanted to be a bit drunk first."

To my surprise he laughs and takes a chug of his beer saying, "Don't I know it." I stare at him and he stares back and to my relief my date walks in. The man besides me stiffens seeing him approach me, and I realize I never found out his name. To my surprise my date looks at him with recognition and the first words out of his mouth are, "Addison! I didn't know you knew Mark!"

Inwardly, I groan.

"I don't." I reply sharply, but Mark only laughs saying, "I was keeping your seat for you buddy."

I resign to fate and ask the question, "So how do you guys know each other?" They exchange looks and then laugh.

"How don't we know each other!" My date, Derek, hoots.

When I raise an eyebrow he laughs harder, "Except like that." I nod.

"Derek and I have been best friends since childhood," Mark explains, "This is my brother." There's a small hint of something in his voice, disappointment? I don't know. "Sorry for stealing your game bro." He grins at Derek.

"No hard feelings," he replies, grinning at him, "I can share, you can't keep something this beautiful to yourself." I blush.

Mark slaps Derek on the back and then stands up saying, "Okay… I can tell where I'm not wanted, good luck man." And then walks out of the bar.

Derek stands up and offers me a hand, "You ready to go?" he asks.


	2. Tranquilize

Thanks to those who reviewed! I love reviews! Seriously, feel free to crtisize and hate and everything just tell me what I'm doing wrong! Thanks! Enjoy!

9 months later:

I don't know what I want, that's always been my problem. I think I want Derek, but there's a part of me that wonders. There's a part of me that catches Mark's soft glances in my direction every once in awhile, and blushes. That watches him at the beach with his shirt off and can't help but swoon. There's a part of me that that wishes he and Mark weren't best friends so I can grab him, and fuck the brains out of him. So far the part has lain dormant… So far.

Derek's great, he's a good guy, and he's charming, handsome, hell he's HOT. And that's important. But he lacks the masculine grandeur of Mark's hard chest and flat abs that drive girls crazy. He lacks Mark's undivided attention when I talk to him, however manufactured it may have been. But he does lack Mark's childish obsession with loudness and boobies.

But the times that I allow myself to fall into daydreams, they all end the same, brokenhearted, rejected, after a night of endless passion. Why can't I just fling him and keep my Derek for later?

The doorbell rang and I went to get it that day, it became the beginning of a long tradition. Mark stood in front of me, dark jeans hanging off his waist, a white dress shirt lazily buttoned and opened at the top. I fight the urge to stare at the space where his skin was exposed, I don't know if he saw me staring but he only grinned and delivered his proposal, "I know Derek is busy, but you're not, and I'm not and I'm bored, so I'm taking you clubbing."

So there we were, music pumping in our heads and a beer in each of our hands. I was too afraid to drink anything stronger because terrible things happen when I'm drunk, and Mark… Well beer is what he likes best. It fits him strangely, the ruggedness of him… I need a fling.

"Let's dance Addie!" He yells over the music.

I nod, taking a final chug of the alcohol and following him onto the dance floor. Coincidentally, the music chooses this moment to turn slow, and with his hands wrapped around my waist, and his perfect chest pressed against me, I couldn't think clearly.

He says something, but I'm distracted and have to mumble "What's that?"

He grins repeating, "You're not a bad dancer."

"Of course!" I snap, "What did you expect?"

He smirks, "Don't be cocky Addie."

"Hypocrite." I say. He only grins.

We sway to the music again and a though disturbs me, so I blurt it out, "You're not going to ditch me tonight are you?" I say, half accusingly, half questioning.

"Why would I ditch you?" he replies, "When I have the most beautiful girl in the room?"

I melt.

A while later, we found ourselves wandering towards the bar, and before long, we are engaged in a drinking game. Harmless. The rules were simple, I would point out a girl and he would go and ask her out, if he got her number, then I would drink a shot. If he got turned down, he would drink a shot. If she slapped him, he would drink two shots. And then vice versa. I had it easier.

Somehow, despite the fact that neither of us never lost, I was more hammered by the end of the night. That man can hold his alcohol. Seriously. Geez.

Before I knew it, he had carried me all the way home, and sat me on the couch, muttering apologies. Unfortunately, I am really chatty when I'm drunk, so my alcohol induced conversation went as follows:

"You're really purtty, you know that?" I tell him.

He smirks, "Pretty is for sissies."

"Yeah." I shrug, falling into his arms as he rights me, "But you are a purtty boy…"

"No…" he corrects, folding a blanket over me, "Derek's pretty… You are… more than pretty. But I am not pretty."

"Yeah…" I grudgingly agree, "You're…" I struggle and then spit out the word, "HOT!" giggling, and then I frown, "Why aren't you drunk like me?"

He just smirks and tells me something I already know, "I can hold my alcohol."

"Yeah… No shit." I mutter.

He shrugs and smirks and I grin stupidly, "You have a nice smile."

"Eh?"

I grin happily, "You know… Your Mark smile! It makes me happy." He smiles at this and kisses me on the forehead.

"Well anything to make you happy then." And smiles again. I clap my hands with glee.

"Do you think Derek loves me?" I question.

"Why wouldn't he?" He asks.

"Well… its just… he's never said it…" I reply tentatively.

"He what?" Mark exclaims and then sighs, "Derek… He's a slow guy, he doesn't like to say things, he prefers to show them."

"Really?" I ask, eyes curious.

"He nods and continues, "I do know him though, and don't tell him this alright?" I nod, "He talks about you all the time, He says you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen." I blush, "and he's right. You are. But he also says you're smart and talented and…" he smirked, "A fireball in bed." I laugh wickedly. "He's spent more money buying you flowers and jewelry then he spends on rent… and… Addie… I wouldn't doubt it if I were you."

I smile up at him and say, "You're my best friend, you know that?"

He kisses my head and says, "I love you Addie."

"I know." I mutter before I fall asleep.

The next day, Derek tells me he loves me for the first time.


	3. I Don't Want to Miss a Thing

This may get into Mer/Der... It may not... Cause I still think Meredith is as annoying as hell... but yeah.

Six Months Later:

I was getting married. It was the happiest day of my life and my mood was exponentially improving with each passing of the little hand. The more time that slowly crawled past, the sooner I would be off the market, and forever Ms. Derek Sheppard. The successful independent medical student in me shrieked out in pain and frustration, missing and cherishing the parts of me that I would have to give to that man. But I was happy. I haven't been that happy in a long time.

There doorbell rang, and I didn't even take time to question it, I was too happy to be confused as to why someone was ringing mine and Derek's doorbell at this ungodly hour. I was happy.

There he stood, casual to perfection, modeling the ideal boyfriend, only he wasn't my boyfriend. He was my best friend… There's a difference.

"Mark!" I exclaimed.

"Addison!" He smiled, "Enjoying ourselves now are we?" I followed his gaze and realized that I was half naked, wearing only a very see-through slip, and holding a carton of ice cream and a hair brush.

I waved him off dismissively; Mark had 'accidentally' seen me in much, much less. "So what's up?" I questioned.

He grins mischievously, "I'm throwing you a bachelorette party!"

"Right now?" I asked.

He nodded enthusiastically, "Yup. So you have to go and get changed and I'm taking you out."

"But you're not a bachelorette…" I say confused.

"But I **am **your best friend now aren't I?"

I conceded the point.

"Good." he replies satisfied, "I'm taking you out."

Turns out, 'out' was a rented bar, filled with every girlfriend that I ever knew, know, and was about to know. There were male strippers. It was embarrassing. The most embarrassing thing was, Mark was the only other male there, and he was talking rather loudly about being my best friend, and how he would be both the best man and the maid of honor. Talk about someone who's full of it.

He gave me underwear that night too. As if this all wasn't enough. He gave me underwear, lacy black underwear, and spewed sleezy innuendos, and talked about how he was looking out for his other best friend. And he gave me suggestive winks.

"I can't take this!" I told him.

"Why not?" his grey-blue eyes clouded, puzzled.

"Cause it's weird." I say squirming. He only laughs in my face.

As people began to filter out, I had feared that he would leave with one of my 'friends' whom I had never seen before, and I would be all alone in an empty bar, cleaning up. What surprised me was when the dust cleared, he was there standing. And it was the two of us. Me and my best friend.

"So what do you think?" I asked him.

"About what?" he mutters, his eyes lazily wandering around the room, a beer in his hand, his body slung across the pool table.

"The whole marriage thing, I mean, I'm happy as hell, and I love him… But there's a part of me that is screaming… 'Turn! Run! Leave!' You know?"

He smiles softly, "I think there's always a part of you that is saying 'Turn, run, leave…' You are actually a flight risk… If I wasn't here to hold you down…" When I glare at him he gets the message, "No… Addie, you aren't making a mistake, you are making one of the biggest decisions of your life. So yeah, you're gonna have doubts, and yeah, there will be times when you want to scream… But I have no doubt, that you love him. And I for sure have no doubts about his love for you."

I smile teasing, "See when you say things like that it makes me wonder if I picked the right guy."

"Yeah." He says laughing, although the spark is missing from his eye, "Right."

But I ignore it and push him, telling him that if he did indeed plan on being the best man, then he better get his act together and go home, because I was not going to have a drunken, hung-over fool stand up next to MY husband at MY wedding. So he laughed at me and drove me home, kissing my forehead goodbye.

* * *

_Flashback:_

_"So you're really going to do it?" He asked, scrunching up his nose as if the word itself was fowl, "Marriage… Off the market… For life." He knew this was going to happen, the moment Derek showed up between him and Addison in the bar and looked at her as if she was inhuman, so lost in her beauty, and so far gone with even the one look. He knew it was going to happen. The moment when he became a whore, the moment when he consciously sought out women just to sleep with them, instead of stumbling into their rooms, was the moment when he knew it was going to happen. _

_"Yeah!" He is saying enthusiastically, and then adds softly, "It's always been her dream you know? The fairy tale… The wedding… happy ever after… I'm…" he smiles that heartsick smile again, "I'm just happy that she chooses me to have that with."_

_"Yeah." Mark replied half-heartedly, "You're lucky."_

_"What do you think about diamonds?"_

_"Addison doesn't like diamonds." _

_"She doesn't?" Derek asks in surprise._

_"No… she does, but she thinks they're tacky for an engagement ring." _

_"All girls like diamonds."_

_"She does… just not on an engagement ring…"_

_"So what should I get her?" _

_"Get her something exotic. Quartz, garnet, jade… Jade." He says, recalling a conversation they'd had earlier, "She'd like that."_

_"Okay." He shrugs, "If you think she'd like that."_

_"She will." Mark confirms. "For sure."_

_

* * *

__Proposal: _

_He had the room filled with while lilies, my favorite flower, and stocked up bottles of my favorite Champaign, and cooked a meal of my favorite foods. He had Mark as a waiter, and I was wondering the whole time why he was there, and he told me later: "It was my engagement too!" _

_We were twirling noodles around the plate, and enjoying the closeness when he popped the question. I squealed at the ring, because he'd gotten it just right, and I had kissed him and kissed him until he reminded me that Mark was still there. So I grabbed Mark too, and the three of us had one big hug._

_It wasn't until years later that I realized I'd never told him my favorite flower. Or Champaign, or favorite foods, or my secret desire for a jade ring, I'd told that all to Mark. _


	4. I Ain't Dead, I Ain't Done

PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE? IT'S NOT THAT HARD. JUST HIT A BUTTON AND TYPE SOMETHING NICE... OR EVEN BITCHY IN... I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK. YOU CAN HATE SPAM ME TOO. I DON'T MIND. IT JUST SHOWS HOW PATHETIC I AM... :-)

10 and a half years later:

"Derek!" I whined, trying unsuccessfully to control the agitation in my voice, "Derek!"

"What?" He says irritably, as if I had interrupted God knows what.

"You took my banquet off the calendar!"

"Oh yeah…" he says, "Sorry about that… I just realized that I have a conference that day… I can't go to that…"

"Derek!" I say impatiently, "I've been planning this for Lord knows how long and suddenly you decide to discard it because you have plans?" I feel my voice start to rise.

"Whoa there!" he says confused, "It's not a big deal, why don't you just go to your thing, and I'll go to mine."

"Banquet! It's a banquet! And some of the most prestigious minds in the medical field today are going to be there!"

"Same with mine," he mutters but I ignore him.

"And the governor! And when they all ask me where is my husband, I have to tell them that he didn't care enough to show up for his own wife's banquet!"

"Geez Addison, calm down." He says dismissively, "I got to go, see you at work." And he leans down and places a chaste kiss on my head, before he walks out the door.

"I'm not done!"I shout at his retreating figure, but he doesn't turn around he just yells back:

"I don't want to talk about it right now! Call me when you can stop being unreasonable."

"Unreasonable!" I yell at him, "Derek! You're never home!"

At lunch I bitch about it to Mark… Okay what actually happened was that he found me crying in a supply closet, the same supply closet I always go to, and then he forced the truth out of me. I rest my head against his chest and emotion comes tumbling out of me, not bothering to pace itself.

I admit to him, "My marriage is in trouble."

He looks at me appalled, "What?"

I sigh, "I think my marriage is in trouble… And Derek doesn't even know it is. He doesn't know…" I talk louder now, "He doesn't know that I'm still here! He doesn't fucking know that I am his fucking wife!"

"Shh.." Mark calms me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair.

I only continue my stupid ramble, "We go to parties as separate people! We sleep separately! I mean… you know us… remember us? We don't sleep separately, and he says its cause he doesn't want to wake me when he leaves in the morning but… I don't care! I just want to see my husband. What happened to me Mark? My husband can't stand to look at me! What happened to me?"

"Hey!" he says sharply, "You can't for a moment think that this is your fault." I could hear the protectiveness growling in his throat and I felt safe, for a while. "You can't even think that this is about you… I'll kill that son of a bitch. "

"It's true though… isn't it?"

He only growls again, "If you say that one more time I am seriously getting a gun and wackin' him in the middle of the street."

That draws a small laugh from me, "Please don't."

He smiles, "I can't promise anything."

I stay silent for awhile before I voice my fear, "Do you think he's having an affair?"

I see the horror that crosses Mark's face and I wince, thinking he knows something, but he says, "If he is… He wouldn't…"

"How do you know?"

"Cause if he is… he's a dead man. I told him that. I threatened him…"

"Mark!" I cry, "I don't want him to be faithful cause you threatened him… I want him to love me! Damnit! He used to love me!"

But he holds me and calms me until I stop crying and then asks, "You going to be okay?"

I manage a small smile and say, "Yeah… This isn't like me at all. I don't know what came over me…"

He smiles softly, "Good." And then he get's distracted again, "I've got something I need to do."

I nod as he pulls me to my feet and kisses my hair, and then he's gone, and I suck it up and go do my rounds.

Mark's POV:

I'm going to kill that son of a bitch. I trusted him. He swore up and down that he would never hurt her. I'm going to kill him.

He hurt my best friend.

"Hi Mark." He greets me with a grin; I ignore it, grab him by the arm and lead him into the stairwell, "What the hell?" he asks.

"What did you do to her?" I growl deeply.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asks.

I ignore this, "Are you having an affair?" I demand.

"No!" he exclaims, "I would never cheat on Addie!" Inwardly I sigh a little relieved.

"Good. Go home to your wife."

He shakes his head, "No can do. I have surgery."

I shove him back against the wall, "Damnit Derek! I don't give a damn. Go find your wife and make everything right before you regret it forever!" And then I walk away, ignoring him as he calls my name confused.

I find an empty supply closet and I fall apart. What the hell is happening to me?

One month later, Addison's POV:

He didn't show again. And again I went crying to Mark. And again he's there comforting me.

"Don't punch him this time," I try and joke, but it comes out in gasps and stutters.

"I can't promise that…" he says grimly.

"I understand!" I wail, "I do! I understand." I repeat again and again.

"He missed your birthday!" Mark exclaims.

"It's my birthday?" I question, when I realize, it is, I had forgotten, and consequentially, so had my husband.

"You didn't know?"

"I forgot." I spat blatantly.

"Then what were you upset about?"

"Another banquet," I say, resigned, "I still have to go… It's in honor of me…" Shame Mark is the one who remembers my birthday.

"I'm coming," he announces, "You're not going alone to this one, you can call me Derek if you want, but you're not going alone."

"Don't be ridiculous Mark, I'm not ashamed of having you there. If you go, you go as Mark, my best friend." He grins, but I can feel him wince slightly and I'm confused for awhile, but he goes on.

"Okay. Then I would love to."

My face is posted all along the walls, and for the first time I shy away from them. I shy from the spotlight. I shy from the people coming up to congratulate me on my so-and-so award. I don't care. Because now I am the scorned wife whose husband doesn't love her, and I'm afraid that is what people will say and think of me, even though no one but Mark knows.

The ubiquitous presence of my head shot began to become slightly disconcerting, and I wish Derek were here, with his arm wrapped around me, and pride gleaming on his face. But he's not, and I sigh, and Mark slings his arm around my waist, hugging me to him tighter because he knows what I am thinking. Mark… He's doing such a good job at playing the prideful husband.

"Addison!" someone calls, 'oh shit,' I think, my boss.

"Hi!" I say, faking enthusiasm, "This is Mark by the way."

"This isn't your husband…"

"Oh no…" I stammer, but Mark interjects:

"No. I'm not that lucky, I'm the best friend." He grins his charmer grin and continues his conversation with her, saving me from any embarrassment. I sigh in relief and he squeezes my hand.

I excuse myself to go find a bathroom, and stumble in, willing myself not to cry. Too late. I stumble into a stall and sit my hands over my face; willing my make up to stay in place.

Straight out of a movie, two women walk in, doing what women do best; gossiping.

"I looove him!"

"Who? What?"

"Okay…" I can imagine her looking around before whispering, "Did you see the man Dr. Sheppard was with?"

"Oh! Yeah. He's hot."

"I love him." She repeats. And then they giggle.

"Do you think she's with him?" the other one questions.

"No! She's married."

Having enough of this shit, I decide it's my turn to interject; I step out of the stall and fix them a glare saying, "Yeah. She is very much married." Then I was my hands and stomp out the door, just in time to hear one of them mutter, "Bitch."

It's true. I'm a bitch.

I approach Mark again grinning, "You have some admirers in the bathroom."

"Really?" He raises his eyebrow, "Would I like them?"

"Eh." I say, waving him off dismissively, "But you are not ditching me today."

"Yes M'am." He says, wrapping his arm around my waist, and then whispers in my ear, "I have the most beautiful girl on my arm anyways."

I freeze.

The dynamic has changed. I knew it, he knew it, and the world knew it. Not really… but it felt like it. The moment he told me I was beautiful, the moment he started to act more like my husband then my best friend… I knew I was going to kiss him. It was a matter of time.

He drives me home, and I wonder when I should do it. I haven't gotten any in such a long time and the itch is there. It makes me horny. I am very horny.

We don't talk the whole way there, when we arrive, he take my hand and escorts me up to my apartment, and then he kisses me. He kisses me, and not rough and passionate like I'd imagined, but almost nervously, and soft. And I sink into him, feeling myself falling for the first time in a long time. I just let myself fall.

Mark's POV:

She didn't run. I was surprised. I'd kissed her the night before but she didn't run. No. She flirted.

"Dr. Shepards." I'd say, approaching the 'happy' couple.

"Dr. Sloan." She'd reply, grinning at me, Derek just smiled before returning to his work.

"How are you two?" He grunts, she winks, I melt.

"Great! How are you?"

"Good." I say grinning dumbly at her, and we walk together before she pulls me aside. We gaze into each other's eyes awhile before she breaks the trance with, "Breakfast?"

"Sure."

"Good." And she 'accidentally' brushes her finger along my arm. So that's how she's going to play it? Then so will I.

She meets me at the table where I'm already waiting, and she smiles seductively, "Are you hungry?" I gulp, cause the Addie I once knew, the Addie I knew before Derek broke her, was beginning to come back.

We both know what is coming. We both knew this was coming months ago, when I started taking Derek's place on birthdays and anniversaries. She wouldn't actually cross the line and make our implicit affair explicit but she would do everything else. I know her.

She's already turned her attention to the waiter who asks, "What can I get for you two today?"

"Um…" she says, pursing her lips and pushing her breasts upward towards him subtlety while twirling a finger around her hair, "I don't know, what do you think?" she asks, focusing her beautiful eyes on him. It takes everything in me not to laugh cause the poor kids starting to sweat and gulp.

"Um… our omelets are pretty… good." He swallows.

She grins at him, "Good. I'll have that."I watch with a smirk as he saunters off, ignoring me completely, although she offers to share her meal. I know what she's doing. She's proving to herself and to me that she is still attractive. That she can seduce a man ten years her junior. I could have told her that.

"Robbing the cradle Addie?" I ask.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She says a smile on her face, sparkles in her eyes.

"Right." I scoff.

She just grins and rubs her leg against mine.

"Jealous?" she asks.

"You betcha."


	5. Sons of Zion

Dude did you guys watch private practice? New guy's HOT HOT HOT! Oh and did you know Ellen Pompeo is only two years younger than kate walsh? Huh… Wow. This is really short but please review! Please? OH! and from here on out it gets pretty AU:-)

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If you had a barrel pointed at your head; the end of a cold, unforgiving steal death machine, have you ever wondered, in that moment, how would you react? Would you regret? Have you wasted so much of that precious life that is about to be flung away, wiped out, shattered? Would terror flash across your eyes… would you hope for salvation, or would you ask to be destroyed?

And if you were offered the chance to be free of that regret, if you were offered the slighted glimmer of meaning, would you take it? Would you compromise your values to save yourself? Or would you have the decency, the self-respect, to abstain? I was never one for abstention, and I had lost all decency and self respect somewhere along this road. How could I be so heartless?

So I begged, I begged him to fuck me. But still he hesitated, and I begged and as much as I hated to beg, I needed this, so I begged. And he broke as I whimpered, 'please?'

My therapist thinks I was in denial. She says I wanted an end, a way out, but guilt refused to let me off so simply. I think I needed to be fucked.

I was caught, and I was left, and strangely I was together. I went through life in a daze, ignoring the world, falling into a non-relationship with my best friend, and mistress, his best-friend. I mechanically went through all of the motions, but ultimately I was no longer living cause when I lost it all, I realized that I am Addison Montgomery Sheppard, and I don't do failure, I do not fail, and everything in my life right now was only more evidence that I had, indeed failed at some point. I was pregnant and then I wasn't I was cheated on, so I chased a husband who didn't want me and who I am not sure I even want. And when I got there and found out there was someone else, and I was losing, I fought. Cause fighting is what I do best. I just never know what to do once I win.

Classy, confident, mechanical; those are the words I would have used to describe myself when I arrived in Seattle, stupid fucked up Seattle. Basically, I looked hot. Like I always do, and I needed to, because there was a time when he couldn't resist me, actually there was a time when no man could resist me, and as much as I'm beginning to lose it, I know there's still some of it there.

"You must be the woman who's screwing my husband." Terror, horror, I smile confidently as she pales, and he looks like he's about to kill me. I look her over, and I see… potential but not any definable attractiveness, and a woman who just doesn't give a damn. A woman who is easily intimidated, a woman who I don't recognize at all. And then I look him over:

"I like what you did to your hair… very Russell Crowe… I've always had a thing for Russell Crowe." And I walk away, playing up the swagger a tiny bit and smirking when I see the intern's mouth hang open. Damn I am good.

Seduction. There lies the plan, pure, unadulterated seduction, not only of my husband, but of every damn man in that hospital, because he had broken me, he had made me feel unwanted, and vulnerable, and he would have to pay. He would have to understand that Addison Montgomery is not ever unwanted or vulnerable, and no man has ever been able to resist her charms. I wanted revenge, revenge for having wasted the last 11 years of my life. Revenge for thinking that he'd loved me when all I really was to him was a good fuck who he could drop and abandon, disregarding his rings, his marriage, and his life.

So I pull on a dark pencil skirt, and dark, dark tights flow underneath them. I cap my top off with a green blouse, buttoned low enough to just barely imagine what it contained. I slipped on my favorite high heels and let my hair flow in loose big curls. Stunning. It was an understatement. I smirk to myself in the mirror, old, cocky Addison was coming back.

And there he was, with his child, or girlfriend… whatever you call it, and surprisingly, nausea swept across my stomach, not jealousy, not envy, but nausea, cause let's face it, the kid is tiny. I was still on a high after having driven my rental car, black Cadillac, a little bit over the speed limit, and maybe being a little bit buzzed, cause who says I can't have a beer with my orange juice? My God, Mark is starting to rub off on me.

Later:

He loves her, and that frightens me… But what scares me the most? When he looks at her, I see Mark's eyes looking at me.


	6. Lost and Insecure

This is way AU cause I really hated how Derek treated Addison on the show, he was kinda a bitch, and I love the idea of Addex as friends, and I love bitchy Addison… 

_____________________________________________________________________

Step 1, she told herself, was the pretty boy at the counter who had whooped as she passed. He, she determined, would have the pleasure… and maybe the torture, of being her first victim. Somewhere along the walk from Seattle Grace's sliding glass doors to the counter, the top buttons of her shirt flew open yet no one saw the swift swipe of her hand. No one was any wiser.

"I need an intern." She voices, directing the statement towards the pretty boy and his mates, as she picked up a medical chart pretending to examine it while curling a hair around the tip of her finger, she inwardly smirks when she hears the stammer in their voices as they hastily try to tell her something… anything. But pretty boy only laughs at them and asks:

"Why?"

Surprised she snaps off her glasses and peers at him, saying, "Who are you?"

"Alex Karev." He says confidently, she smiles in her mind, she always liked guys like this, he would be fun.

"And are you, Alex… Karev…" she says, with a small hint of questioning in her voice, "you are an intern…?"

"That's right." She could hear the whispers besides him of, 'oh you angered it.'

"You're not a double-board certified surgeon?"

"No."

"And you have not had any of your medical journals published?"

"No."

"And you are not an attending?"

"No."

"Huh…" she says pursing her lips, "then explain to me why you feel like you can back-talk."

"Cause…" he says, "You want me."

She smirks at him, "Really?"

"Yeah." He says as he leans in, "Why don't we just get this on?"

She closes the distance until their lips almost meet and she says, "Cause you're hella ugly." And she smirks at the whoops behind her, satisfied when she sees her husband on trying not to fume, she snaps at him, "Well then, you Karev, have earned yourself intern duty today, and I know how you men hate the pink and squishy…"

"Wait… You are?" he asks nervously, when a militant looking resident interrupts him:

"That, Karev, is Dr. Sheppard." He looks confused, "And she is here temporarily for the T.T.T.S. case in OB/GYN." He pales as she continues, "You will do well to learn from her, as I'm sure you know, Addison Montgomery Sheppard is the foremost neonatal surgeon in the states, perhaps the world… So piss her off and I will personally castrate you. Understand?" Addison looks on with barely contained glee and decided that she likes this woman. Suddenly, she catches out of the corner of her eye her husband's mistress avoiding looking at her, seeing this she says to Bailey, "I need another intern… it's a big case."

"Oh. Right." She scans across the room and then Addison almost imagines the evil glint in her eye, "Grey? You're on it."

"Great." She says, trying to stiff down an evil grin, "Let's go."

Alex sulks and Meredith walks along quietly behind Addison, who marches confidently for the rest of the day, thinking only one thought, "This is going to be fun."

______________________________________________________________________

"I know what you're doing." He says coming up behind her, she doesn't look up from the chart, she only says:

"Huh?"

"I know what you are doing." He repeats.

She shuts the folder and turns towards him, eyes dancing in amusement, "And what is that Karev?"

He smirks at her, "You're on the revenge warpath aren't you?"

She actually laughs out loud because he's understood her ways so easily, she sees some of her own vanity in the kid, and says, "Revenge is underrated."

He laughs, "So what did he do to merit revenge?"

"Why'd he have to do anything? Revenge for the sake of revenge…" she explained, "it gives me a high."

He raises an eyebrow, "You can't be that much of a bitch."

She sighs, "You're right. But I won't tell you."

"Why not?"

The fire blazes in her eyes as she chokes out, "'Cause sometimes you don't question the revenge."

"Did you find him with someone else?"

She looks at him amused, "You really think anyone would cheat on _me_?"

He looks her over, "No."

"Well then."

"Then what happened?" He asks again.

"Nothing. You know, I like you kid… you're… different, you remind me of someone." She scrunches her brow, trying to determine who exactly he does remind her of.

"What happened?" he repeated.

"Maybe me… Or…" she continues.

"Tell me."

"Oh!" she says suddenly, and he startles but recovers:

"You really not going to tell me?"

"You remind me of Mark."

"You slept with someone else." He says. She looks at him sideways and then closes her eyes and sighs: "Yeah. I slept with the guy you remind me of."

"Mark." He says.

"Mark." She affirms, "Mark Sloan."

His eyes widen, "Wait, you manage to bag Sheppard and Sloan?"

"Best-friends." She offers, her eyes still closed, and then she opens one, and arches an eyebrow, "I've decided you are going to be my friend."

"Oh yeah?" he questions.

"Yeah." She says, her eyes closing again.

"Why would I want to be your friend?"

"Oh believe me, it comes with innumerable benefits." He arches the eyebrow this time and she, without opening her eyes says, "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"But I didn't say anything!" he protests.

"But you remind me of Mark."

"So why are you on revenge warpath, if you cheated on your husband… shouldn't he be doing that?"

"No." she says without explanation.

"You're not going to tell me?"

"I'm not drunk enough." She winces slightly, hoping he doesn't see it, he does.

"What is it?" he asks, "I'm not that stupid, there's something."

She sighs and says, "Yeah, but it would ruin my satanic exterior."

He laughs.

"It's not funny; my husband actually calls me that."

"So why'd you cheat."

"No no. That would be saying why I am on the revenge warpath."

"And?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Because it would ruin your satanic exterior…"

She nods, "yeah."

"Okay."

He exists in silence only for awhile before curiosity won him over, "How does a man like that." He says, nodding towards Derek, who was talking to Meredith, "Do something that can ruin _your._" He says, with emphasis, "'satanic' exterior?"

"He's my husband."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So what if he's your husband?"

"That was my answer. He's my husband, which should be enough."

"You won't tell me."

"No."

"You know I'm deathly curious now."

"I do."

"You should tell me."

"I should."

"But you're not going to."

She nods.

"You are a bitch."

She opens her eyes and grins at him, "A satanic one."

"I'm leaving then." He says, and turns on his heels.

"Friendship Karev." She yells at his retreating figure, "Think about it."

"Don't make me Satan's bitch." He calls back.

She grins, and takes a sip of her coffee. Today was fun.

___________________________________________________________________

Her attention turns to her husband, and his kid, she was pretty, if you squinted, hard, and she could be cute, if she wasn't so pissy. She shook her head, how can that man love that… she shutters, woman, over her? After all, wasn't she Addison Montgomery Sheppard? Failure eluded her, and just when the world thought she had attained perfection, she added the one name to the end of her own that would make it better. She wasn't designed to fail, and she wasn't built to commit it. Silently, she communicated the message to her husband's mistress who just met her eyes, 'I'm a hard-ass.' She says through the mental wave-lengths, 'I'm a stone cold bitch, but I also happen to be gorgeous, brilliant, and kind in my own right, oh and I get a lot of guys. So… just thought you wanted to know what you're up against.'

The twelve year old gulps. Addison smirks.

_Flashback: _

_"I remember you." Mark says to her one day. She freezes._

_"What do you mean?" Stumbles out of her mouth cautiously._

_He looks at her, "You were… I remember you." _

_She sighs and says, "Mark. From what?" Although she very well remembers from what._

_He only stares at her, entranced and grinning a slightly lopsided grin, "Cinderella." _

_She sighs again, "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_He ignores her and continues, "Oh but I do. You were assigned Cinderella and I was her Prince." He grins, "And I told you Cinderella is blonde, and you told me to shut the hell up." _

_She chokes silently but doesn't speak._

_"And I wanted so bad to see beneath the mask," he smiles, "But you only lifted it at midnight, so I never saw, 'cause my lips were on yours. And you left me the next day. Exactly like Cinderella." He hands her a box, "And just like Cinderella, I still have your shoe." _

_She chokes back a sob for a second before she whispers, "Thank you. I didn't think… I didn't…"_

_"It took awhile, but I got it."_

_She smile up at him, "I didn't think you would."_

_"Well I didn't know Cinderella would be my best friend." He grins and then teases, "So how does it feel to know that I've seen you naked?"_

_"Well, now you'll treat me better, cause no one sees __**that **__and treats me worse." She grins, tapping his nose. _

_"You know, you weren't so cocky back then?"_

_"You know? You were every bit as cocky back then?" _

_And he laughed and grabbed her hands and pulled her along saying, "Come, let's find that husband of yours." _

She sighs, because she remembers a time when she wasn't so cocky, and when she wasn't such a bitch.


	7. Taking on Water

Haha the first lines of the song are from John Mayer's _Taking on Water_ after 'Planetariums were right about the sky' they are my own lyrics. Merry Christmas! As a Christmas present you should all leave me a review???? Please?

* * *

_On a sailboat I am, slowly floating nowhere._

The water that day was indescribable; it merited incoherence in its glory, wickedly anticlimactic to her predicament. Grudgingly, she twisted off her wedding rings, and glared, tempted at the water, but in the back of her mind, in the part of her mind anchored purely in her own 'Addisoness' she knew, those rings would not tumble today. Not yet anyways.

_Lost the memories of where I am and why._

"Step one," she'd told him, "Marry the man of your dreams."

"Done." He replied smugly.

"What are you talking about?" she faked shock, "I never did find him," her laugh was so easy then, "So I settled for you."

"Well." He said, still smug, "Then I am the luckiest man alive."

She grinned at him, "That you are, that you are."

_Black oceans churning._

It was storming that night, she remembers because at that time, she had liked the storms, they had given her an excuse to be silly, and to seek out Mark's inviting arms and pull them around her. In them, she felt safe and protected and secure, as if the invincibility she once wielded was granted to her again by some merciful greater power. By God. Until all of a sudden, she wasn't, and her life had fallen apart.

_A million stars are burning._

She lives in a trailer. She looks out the window and darkness meets her. She stares defiantly, it nonchalantly exists back. She huffs, it croaks. She sticks her tongue out, it gracefully twinkles.

She wonders if he's worth it, she knows he's not. She wonders if her pride is worth it. It keeps her wondering.

_Hoped the time that I had spend, would find some good in you._

He's back, but pulling the same sort of shit. The shit that makes her question how she ever thought she could love that man. He is trying to fight for her, but he doesn't know how, so he stumbles along, flirting shamelessly with everything that has boobs, (although some people, she thinks Meredith Grey, are towing that line), while proclaiming his love for her.

"He's an ass." Alex tells her, as she stares at him fuming.

"Even so," she murmurs, "he has a point."

Alex arches an eyebrow, she only bites her lip.

_Hoped the sun would soak you in, but it don't love on you._

"I hate the rain." He bemoans.

"I hate you." She says sweetly.

"You love me."

"You wish, go home."

"Come with me."

"Bite me."

"Tell me where."

"And that…" she snaps at him, "is exactly why I am not coming home with you." She stomps away, he sneezes.

_Tried to square up with a man._

"Addie!" he whines.

"No!" she snaps back.

He grabs her arm and twirls her around, landing their faces inches apart. Mesmerized, he pushes a bit of hair from her face, gently, tenderly, and reminds himself of how beautiful she really is. She gulps and his lips were on hers.

She wakes up the next morning and groans seeing his arm around his.

He winks at her, "You know, somehow you are always sober when we do this."

"This." She tells him, "Is why we will never work out."

_Tried to hope he'd understand._

"I'm going to need you to sign divorce papers."

He looks at her shocked, "Why?"

"Tell me what you did at Prom Derek?" she says tiredly, no malice existing in her voice, surprisingly.

"Addie." He crumples, "Addison, I'm so sorry."

"It's not really your fault." She mutters, "be happy, but I'm going to need you to sign this time."

"Addie…"

"I'm tired Derek… I don't want to talk. I'm just tired…"

_Then he fell behind the line that is my life._

"Mark?"

"Yeah?" he says, feigning competence because it's two A.M. in New York but he's sure she has a good reason to call.

"The son-of-a-bitch cheated on me."

"I'm coming."

"What took you so long?"

"I had to make a small detour."

She nods, "Love me tonight Mark."

He hugs her to him, "Always."

Derek shows up to work the next day, a nasty bruise on his face, he blames Addison, she's too tired to care.

* * *

The phone rings and she identifies the caller and winces. She fingers the glossy finish of her cell tracing the outline of its shape before biting her lips and pressing ignore. She sighs and tries to remind herself all the reasons why he would be bad for her. Her mind wanders in the opposite direction.

"_You know… I've never met anyone who delights in the snow as much as you?" She twirls to face her accuser and laughs, when she is rewarded with an eyeful of skin, peeking out from the top of a casual dress shirt, overlapping with his dark, obviously designer jeans. _

_"Aren't you cold?" she asks, motioning to his open skin, fingering the button of her own dark green cardigan, and balancing a wine on her knee, below the helm of her gray school-girl skirt. _

_"Aren't you?" he asks._

_She smirks, "I'm used to it, I like it here."_

_"I can see that."_

_"So who's the lucky girl tonight?" _

_"Tonight?" he raises an eyebrow, "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_"Oh really?"_

_He grins at her, "Tonight I got my eyes on one woman in particular."_

_"Oh yeah?"_

_He nods, "She happens to be amazingly beautiful, and in close range. So I don't have to waste too much energy walking over to her. She also happens to already have a drink, so I don't need to waste any money buying her one, and she has a husband, so I get all the good stuff without any of the nasty responsibility." A slight chill makes its way along her spine as he makes a face._

_She laughs, "You're so full of it."_

_He winks at her, "You would know."_

_"When are you going to find a girl Mark?"_

_He leans over the balcony, his hair attracting snowflakes as they wander down their own stairways from heaven, "Maybe I'm not a one woman person." He says emotionlessly._

_She stares ahead next to him at Central Park, introspectively, pondering when she finally decides, "No. I think you are."_

_His lip curls up, "Oh yeah?"_

_She nods, "I think, one day, the right girl is going to come along, and… not sweep you, but kinda gutter-punch you off your feet, and you won't know what hit you... and then she'll chain those man-whoring balls of yours and whip you into shape." She smiles up at him, "And you'll love every minute of it."_

_His face wanders around the scenery before the, before finally settling on her, his arm extending to sweep some snow from the balcony to the waiting ground beneath them. She leans her head on his shoulder as he says, "Eternity seems like a long time."_

_She grins up at him, "It goes faster than you think."_

_"I don't know, it seems to me it'll all eventually be over and done."_

_She looks up at him shocked, "You've never been in-love." She realizes._

_"Once." He says darkly. _

_"When was this?" she asks surprised._

_He shrugs._

_"Well tell me about it!"_

_"It didn't… end well…" he says, avoiding her gaze, "actually, it didn't start so I guess it never ended…"_

_"Wha…"_

_"She was my friend's girl…I don't think either of them would have appreciated it much if I told her huh?"_

_"That's… Wow… that's big of you Mark."_

_"What could I do? She loved him… they're married now."_

_"I'm so sorry Mark." She says, tears starting to burn in her eyes as she looks at him with real concern._

_"Don't worry about it." He shrugs._

_"I'm sure." She says violently, "I'm sure she loved you too Mark. Any girl special enough to win your love…"_

_"Yeah." He says firmly, almost painfully, "She's a hell of a special girl."_

_"You know what?"_

_"What?"_

_"You should have told her…"_

_"No."_

_"How often does this happen to you?"_

_He considers confessing the identity to her, her own identity, for a split second, but as he opens his mouth, Derek enters the balcony, and she squeals with delight._

_"Derek! Look at the snow!" And she's so happy he can't bring himself to tell her, so he slips back inside, ignoring the ripping sound his heart makes as he imagines them kissing." _

He fingers the chord between his thumb and first finger, pushing the coils to softly strangle the skin around his nail. He sighs as he gets the answering machine again and hangs up. He sits dormant for awhile before muttering, 'fuck it' and re-dialing the number he'd memorized so long ago.


	8. Man on the Side

Geez I'm really lovin' on John Mayer right now. This is his song again…. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! Oh and question, does this story seem really generic? I read it… it seems kinda generic. I love writing banter!

* * *

_Six numbers, one more to dial,_

_Before I'm before you._

_I tried to call,_

_Been busy all night,_

_Gave up waiting at daylight._

"He's giving her the look again."

"I don't care."

He smirks at her, "Right."

"I'm not interested." She continues, "You want to grab a coffee?" But when she looks up Alex Karev had fled her side, replaced with a similar but older version of her intern, who was donning an identical smirk. "Jesus." She breathes, "Holy shit you scared me."

"You didn't pick up the phone." He tells her, pointlessly.

"You called?" she says, feigning innocence, she's a damn good actress but he knows her better than her dramatic skills.

"You ignored it."

"I didn't hear it."

"You didn't? Or you didn't want to hear it."

She stares at him silently, lips pursed agitatedly, "What's it to you?" she says, just a little too angry for his tastes.

She studies his face closer and realizes that the picture of perfection is starting to age, worry lines crease his forehead and traces of laughter lines attach to the corner of his eyes, though he's not smiling. Heavy bags had taken residence below them, evidence of too much sleep, or the more likely version, lack of it. She wonders to herself what time the last call was placed, and mentally determines to check her phone when possible. His tiredness is an allusion to something—care maybe—or maybe disappointment at having lost a conquest despite his charm. 'The second one' she decides, 'definitely the second one.'

"You left me." He says as a response.

She blinks at him, irrevocably pissed off, or so she thinks, "You cheated on me."

He gapes at her and slings, "You aborted our baby."

And so she gapes back, irrevocable turned very much retractable as her face accommodates the pain in her stomach.

"Fuck you." She says and turns, and Alex Karev walks past shaking his head, 'tsk, tsk.'

_Excuse me Mrs. Busybody,_

_Could you pencil me in when you can,_

_Thought we both know that the worst part about it,_

_Is I would be free when you wanted me,_

_If you wanted me._

"I need to stop avoiding him."

"Why?"

"Cause I fucking need to get laid."

He smirks at her, "I can help that."

She shoots him an un-amused look, "You…" she says with emphasis, "You stick with your leggy blondes and what-not."

"Blondes?"

"I am not blonde. You stick to blonde."

"I can switch to red-heads for you if you'd like, although I'm sorry to say, but you are the first one I've found hot."

She groans, "Fuck you."

"Please… Do."

She opens her mouth to repeat it, but then shrugs, "I'm just saying."

"What?"

"My little rant there about blondes, although there is one particular close-to-blonde _child,_" she spits the word out, "That my husband prefers to me… But anyways…" she trails off, "I don't really remember…" she bites her lip before the inspiration comes to her, nirvana, if you will… enlightenment, "Stevens. You like her."

He raises an eye-brow at her, "How do you figure?"

She scoffs, "Please."

"Fine." He admits gruffly.

She raises an eye-brow, "That was easy."

He leers at her, "I'm an easy guy."

She groans again, "You are exactly like Mark."

He stares at a wall introspectively, "You are kinda like Izzie."

She laughs, "That's pathetic."

He shrugs, "True, but in case you haven't noticed, we are pathetic people."

She smiles grimly, "My husband called me pathetic."

Alex grins delighting in his opportunity to use kindergarten reasoning, "Takes one to know one."

And she laughs, really laughs, tosses her head back and laughs, and when she resurfaces, she finds him, Mark, walking towards her, she mutters horrified, "Save me," and turns to find Alex walking in the opposite direction.

"Fuck." She whispers, and as he sits down next to her she tells him, "Eight o'clock, my room, don't be late." And flees.

_I am the man on the side  
hoping you'll make up your mind  
I am the one who will swallow his pride  
life as the man on the side_

She wakes up, horrified and satisfied, and smirks at her rhyming contradiction. Her mental clock conditions itself to wake up an hour before his, because fleeing is easier if he isn't awake to see it. She drinks in his gruff face and bare chest enough to fill her, and then grabs her things and leaves.

He grabs her when they pass and pulls her into an on-call room, "You left. Again."

She gulps, "Yup." She says, a little too brightly for her tastes.

"So I'm just a good fuck… That's all I was to you."

She stammers, "No…no… You're… You're Mark!" She says, again too brightly for her tastes.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Mark is… Mark is a…"

"Good fuck?" he tells her angrily, "Please."

She opens her mouth in defense but he intercepts, mumbling, "No need to for ambiguity," and then louder, "Damn it Addison, I've been too fucking complacent…" he mumbles searchingly again, "Dormant…," he shakes himself, "You're going to listen alright? You are going to listen." She only manages a frightened nod, un-doubtfully dubious of his sanity, and threatened slightly by the duress she's under.

"I…" he starts, "Fuck Addison, I love you."

Her eyes widen and then harden and she opens her mouth to protest, but the silent edict he'd laid down earlier held its place, and she bit her jaw into silence.

"You don't see me!" He says, relieved because he'd seen the hesitation, and a little flabbergasted that she'd ignored it, "You never saw me! You spent your whole time, chasing your husband in your mind who by the way didn't give a fuck about you!" he saw her eyes start to tear and decides that tact was probably not the best solution at the moment and says softer, "Addison, I loved you. I've always loved you… Not really the first time I saw you, that was… lust, but definitely, in the second and third times I started falling… Give me a real chance!" he pleaded, "Please?"

But he'd known already it was hopeless because her eyes had hardened at, 'he didn't give a fuck about you,' and hadn't softened since, she slowly whispered, while shaking her head, "I can't. I can't believe you. I can't believe that. How many women have you said that to? How many times have you given that speech? Because Mark there was a time when I would have believed you, there was a time when your words meant something to me." She glared through him, "When I believed in _you_." And his heart breaks all over again, he's not sure how much more of this he can take, "But _**I **_was just another fuck wasn't I? Only you have responsibilities to me because I'm family." She says bitterly, and he remains shocked into silence, "You say you want me, and then you bed another woman, you say you want children, and then I catch you in bed with another woman! In our bed! Were you trying to do what Derek did to me? Were you trying to hurt me like I hurt him? Because it fucking worked Mark! It fucking worked! Huh? And how about when you came to Seattle? I might have believed you, if you didn't flirt, and possibly fuck every single damn nurse that came across your path on your way to me! And Meredith! Meredith Grey! You tried to fuck her too! And how about the fact that every time we get close to something, any sort of feelings, it always ends up in sex? If you really wanted ME then none of this would have happened. Thanks for making me another notch in your damn belt Mark. Really. I'm thrilled."

And she spun on those ridiculously expensive heels and walked away, straight into the next on call-room. He didn't have the heart to wipe away the tears he knew were coming. He only sat stunned.

* * *

Okay that's it for now! Please review????


	9. Stomping at the Savory

This could be a one-shot... Its terribly fluffy, and only serves to like boost Addison's ego, but I would really appreciate it if you told me what you think. It would be nice. Of you. Thanks!

* * *

She knows that this is terribly cruel, and completely reaffirming of her heartless bitch reputation, but she doesn't really care because for the first time in her life, a twiggy, frumpy, _excuse _of a woman had made her feel insecure. And it turns out; insecurity did not suit her well. No one bit.

So when the chief informed her that she was scheduled to speak at a convention, which Derek was also attending (with Meredith Grey no less) she inwardly jumped with joy. This is what she was good at, what she had been breed for, and what she will get her revenge with. She scares herself slightly with her vengeance, but shakes it off in pursuit of more useful thoughts, such as which outfits she should bring along.

She elects to take Karev with her, ignoring the raised eyebrows and whispers stirred, she pouts arms-crossed saying, 'if Derek can bring his intern, then damn it, so can I,' and then huffing off, trailing an imaginary case. She only wants him there so she can get a male's perspective on her clothing choices. Unconsciously, she thinks Mark would be biased and jealous. She doesn't think she can handle jealous Mark.

She smirks when she realizes that Derek and Karev had been assigned to a room, (staying in dorms had its perks) and she would be sharing one with Grey, who is incidentally, scared to death of her. On the day they leave, Mark notices the predatory look envelop her face, and feels almost sorry for her, but some sort of misguided (or not) sense of loyalty ultimately decides she deserves it.

They settle into the room, it had two bunk beds for the two of them, being the only Seattle Grace females. She sighs as she sinks into the bed and then strips in front of Meredith, not at all noticing the squirming coming from the intern's direction, or the fact that Meredith pointedly stares down at her own boobs, seeing nothing. She changes into a dark, belted school girl skirt and a white fitted halter, and then smiles and turns saying, "What say you to checking out the men in this hell hole? I hear they have a wonderful bar."

The intern stammers, and Addison inwardly laughs because she knows why she's protesting, "I get it, you're taken, but there's no reason you can't look." And she grabs the girl by her arm and drags her out of the room.

She slams her third double-shot against the counter and says, albeit loudly, "Find me a man Grey!"

Confused and equally drunk, Meredith replies, "Eh?"

"In this room," she clarifies, making a spectacle of herself gesticulating wildly, "Find me someone I can hit on."

She can see the younger woman's eyes scan the room until it lands on the most attractive man in the room and she points. Addison gives him a once-over, drowning the fourth shot and flashing Meredith a smile, "Wish me luck."

The intern grins back, "Good luck."

She walks past the man who she's set her sights on and in a well performed stumble, falls straight into his lap; he looks more happy then disturbed and offers to buy her a drink to make it up to her. She's not sure of what he needs to make up but agrees, ten minutes later, he regretfully tells her he needs to leave but gives her his phone number as she promises to call. She had no intention to though, and she saunters back to Meredith and tosses the conquest into her lap saying, "Who next?"

The game continued, and just as she made her way towards another man with the pick-up line, "Nice watch," neither of them really noticing that the man wasn't wearing a watch, Derek and Alex walked in. Seeing Meredith sitting at the bar and shooting her not-so-secret glances and laughing her head off, lead Derek to the question, "What's going on?"

"She's picking up guys." Meredith shrugs, as she hands him the stack of napkins with phone numbers.

Derek groans, "Oh God. She's playing a drinking game her and Mark used to do." When Alex looks at him curiously, he continues, "They'd each go out and look for a person to hit on. If they got a phone number, the other would drink a shot, if Mark got slapped, he'd drink a shot, if the person said they were married, they'd have to drink two, if Mark took home a girl, Addison would take two and the game would end… but Mark isn't here so I really have no idea how long this is going to last."

"That's hot." Alex comments. Derek shoots him a glare but shrugs, saying, "I didn't think so at the time."

"That's cause you're a pansy." Came her voice over from the other side of the bar, where she was ignoring the guy she was just hitting on.

Meredith laughs, Alex chuckles, Derek sulks.

"It's true," she tells Meredith as they approach, "I'd watch out for him."

She figures that she's been bitchy enough to the men she lead on, without actually at least sleeping with any of them, to let Meredith Grey off the hook. She'd embarrassed her ex-husband, bonded with his new girlfriend, (and shown she was hella hot) and gained Alex Karevs undivided respect. That should be enough, she'd let her off the hook, one less thing to worry about, now all of her attention moves towards avoiding Mark.


	10. I Will Put a Spell on You

This is definitely not my best work... My apologies, its finals week, and I haven't updated in awhile. Anyways, because it's finals week, it would be really nice of you to review so I am not absolutely miserable... Just saying...

* * *

He's unsure of forgiveness. To him, it seems nonexistent. He questions it, maybe no one truly forgives. Derek hasn't forgiven him, although he thinks that he should be the one forgiving Derek. It's not really his fault if his best friend is a son-of-a-bitch. He quickly recedes; Derek's mother is a lovely person. Addison hasn't forgiven him either, but he isn't sure if he deserves the forgiveness, he'd taken advantage of her when she was lonely, he'd pushed her when she wasn't ready, and then cheated on her when she needed him. He was the son-of-a-bitch. He silently curses his mother because it's an argument he can't recede. And it comes back to forgiveness. He should forgive his mother if he expects it from others.

He will.

He'll find forgiveness too. He'd force Derek to understand, and then he'd make nice-nice with Addison and never utter a sexual innuendo her way again if she'd just talk to him once in awhile. Because although he would never admit it, it was her laughter he'd missed, not the sex. Well, not as much. He's still a man.

Derek was first. He was a hard man to find. Mark darted into a staircase after him; Derek disappeared in the floor above. He walked towards his table in the cafeteria, and Derek left his food on the tray, mumbling something random to Meredith and leaving her with his half eaten sandwich. Mark pages him, and he ignores it. So finally, just as he was on his last nerve, Mark springs up from behind and drags him into an on-call room.

To his surprise Derek _smirks_, "You do know how this looks right?"

He grins back, caught off-guard but trying to soak in the moment of lightness with his friend, ex-friend really, but if this talk went well maybe friend. "They're just jealous."

And for a moment, they laugh and forget that they're supposed to hate each other. But Mark dreads the end of laughter, because it signals the beginning of repression. And it does stop, and then Derek is reminded of whom he was comradely laughing with, and his mirth turned cool, apathy recovers his face. "What do you want?"

He shrugs, "We need to talk."

Derek makes a move to get up, but he is pulled back down, "Derek…"

"Mark." He replies, through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry."

His eyes flash, "Sorry doesn't cut it."

Mark begins to feel his blood boil, because he never realized how much hidden resentment he held against this man, who was supposedly a 'best' friend. He snaps, "Actually, I was giving you a chance to say it back."

The other man scoffs, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how you treated Addison."

His jaw clenches, "I treated her just fine."

"Right."

"What are you talking about Mark?!?" he almost yells it but restrains himself because he knows they're in a hospital."

"Let me tell you a story." His voice is cool and dangerous; his stare permeates into the wall.

"Mark…"

"No Derek. You're going to listen." He nods mutely and Mark continues, "Sophomore year of college…"

_She stood on her heels tapping a pen absently against her pinky finger. He thinks he hasn't seen anything so beautiful in his life. _

_"So. How was the date?" _

_She swirls, to see him grinning at her condescendingly and scowls, "It was nice thank you very much."_

_"I'm sure." He says._

_"It was!" she protests, and then teases, "You're just jealous cause he saw me first."_

_He scoffs, "Yeah. Right."_

_She winks, and smirks, saying nothing._

_"So… why are you here… staring at this board, fifteen minutes before class starts?"_

_"I could ask you the same thing." She murmurs absently, pausing to write something in her notebook._

_"I'm here to ask you why you're here so early."_

_"Right. Well I'm here to try and solve Professor Jueltzer's 'unsolvable' equation, which is why you're here too."_

_"You think it can be solved?"_

_"There's no such thing as unsolvable."_

_:"There could be."_

_She grins, "You don't know that."_

_He smirks, "So, if in the case it is solvable, what makes you think you're the one to solve it?"_

_She smiles up at him smugly and snaps her notebook closed, "Because I am the best."_

_"Don't tell me you solved it."_

_She stays silent, "Addison!"_

_She grins at him and continues walking, "You know my name..."_

_"He's my roommate."_

_"You don't ever get tempted?"_

_"Eh?"_

_"I'm just saying, you two are honestly the hottest men I've ever seen in real life," she ignores his grin, "You don't ever get tempted to do each other?"_

_His grin falls, "Ew. No."_

_She smiles, "I wouldn't be mad."_

_"One date and suddenly he answers to you?"_

_She grins, "Oh look at you all defensive."_

_"Wai…Wait! No!"_

_She laughs, "I'm just saying, that'd be pretty hot. Good images here."_

_"I thought men were the horny ones."_

_"Oh you don't know most of it." She tells him, as she walks up to the professor's desk and hands him her notebook. Mark looks on as his eyes widen in surprise and he hastily shakes her hand and makes a phone-call. She looks over to him triumphant and as she passes tells him, "And I wouldn't be opposed to a three-some."_

_He stares at her back._

Derek stares, "Mark?"

"Eh?"

"Sophomore year… "

"Oh… Basically, I've loved your wife for a long time."

He glares, "Since sophomore year?"

"Yes… Derek the point is, I didn't do what I did to hurt you. I did it cause I've loved your wife for longer than I can remember."

"Ex-wife. You didn't even know her."

"I knew her better than you think…"

"Fine. It still doesn't excuse what you did. How am I at fault? Come on Mark, I'm sorry you were hurting but this isn't my problem. She was my wife."

The fire comes back to his eyes and he tells him, "Yes! She was your wife! So I didn't do anything about it! But Derek, you weren't innocent, you weren't there for three years, and I watched while she begged you to come home. I watched her beg you to be a husband! And you never once thought about her. You submerged yourself in your work, and if you like that, it's fine. But you don't get to ask her to sit there passively waiting for you!"

He glares, "She could have at least left me first."

Mark sighs, "I'm sorry about that. Really I am. But… damn it! I have no fucking control when I'm with her!"

For the first time in awhile, Derek looks at him softly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for abandoning her… and you…"

He glazes up with surprise, "What?"

Derek shrugs, "I'm still pissed at Add… and it really is a shame that she's a whore, but she had no right to drag you into this."

He should have been happy. Really, he should, his best friend just forgave him, and was starting to look at him, albeit with sympathy but still. But he looked at him like he was just another victim in Addison's terrible bitchy web; he called Addison a whore, so he was scum. Before Mark or Derek even understood what was happening, Derek was on the ground, with a bloody nose and Mark was growling down at him, "Don't you dare call her a whore." And he walked out.

Fuming he went to go find Addison. And he kept going to find Addison. And kept looking. And kept looking. Finally, he gave up, and when he did, Alex _Karev _the intern who he suspected she might be sleeping with comes out and gives him a _sympathy _look, which is two too many for him that day so he snaps, "What?"

He hands him a letter, and walks away, leaving Mark to stare at it.

And he knows, he knows what it means, and he hates it.

_Dear Mark,_

_I'm leaving for L.A. And please, GOD, please don't follow. I'm sorry, but if you really love me, just let me have this, because we both know that we aren't good together, and I seem to have absolutely no control around you and that's just stupid, and if it helps your overly inflated ego to know this, then I don't want to be around for the out-come. It's not that I'm ditching you again, although I'm sure that's how you're reading this. I took a look at myself, and I found myself vengeful, and bitchy. Trying to prove to my ex-husband that I'm still desirable by hitting on guys at some random bar at some random convention… Well you know, you invented the game after all. I'm just saying, I never planned to stay in Seattle, and now, I don't really have a reason to… You just… I just wanted you to know that I love you, in some screwed up sex-crazed, bitchy kind of way I am in love with you. Just not enough to treat you like an actual human-being, and believe me, you'll miss that. You don't want me. So.. just move on with it. Be Mark Sloan man-whore who can solve the insolvable, but only after the best, aka me, has solved it first. Find some random intern of your own who is so terribly innocent that she'll never know what's best for her. And maybe you don't screw this one over. I love ya babe. Really I do… Just… I'm not really sure why._

_Addie _


	11. I Lost it All, to You and Your Vices

WOW. I've been watching _Across the Universe _way too many times for my own good. Probably because Jim Sturguss is so hot, and the Beatles are sooooo hot and amazing… (in a kinda old fashioned way) and Jim Sturguss singing the Beatles is about the hottest thing EVER!

And... I've really got to start reading these after I write them because I'm sure they are pure CRAP and full of run-on sentances but I'm too lazy to do it myself, and I'm too lazy to get a beta so this will have to suffice.

So read anyways and review and feel free to type ANYTHING in your review as long as you do because I really live for them, and feel free to hate on me as well... I really don't care. But PLEASE give a reason, because I don't like unmerited hate.

_**He calls her to talk, but she rings in his soul…**_

_**I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.**_

_"You have red hair." _

_"… No shit, really?"_

_"I mean… It's really red. Like seriously."_

_"Tell me again, for real, did you cheat on your SATs?"_

_"I just… never noticed."_

_She smiles, "Well you finally moved your eyes from my boobs to my face, congratulations."_

_He flushes slightly, "That's not what I meant, I just… never noticed HOW red it is. It's just so… Wow."_

_Her quirked eyebrow is the evidence of her mirth, although she hides it well, "Thanks?"_

_He grins, "Yup."_

_She smirks._

_"You know…" he begins, a little slyly, "I think temper is directly correlated to hair color."_

_She snorts, "So that would make you what?"_

_He shrugs, "Mature."_

_She smiles wickedly, "I think you just proved your little theory wrong."_

_He pouts, "I can be mature!"_

_"And I can be a sparkle fairy ballerina. Right."_

_"Well," he says grabbing her by the waist, "you're finally MY sparkle fairy ballerina, and that's all that matters to me." _

_She shrieks as he reaches for waist. He still remembers the way she said his name, "Mark!" She protested, without avail. _

_They were happy then. For two weeks, they were happy._

_Two weeks later, Richard called._

_**Corporation t-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.  
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.**_

She gets impatient. Easily. The video plastered across the entrance of their workplace annoys her on repeat. She hates herself in it. She hates what she's promising, because secretly, she wishes they would get sick so she's had something to do, and so she'd get a pay raise, and so she could cut something. She misses him sometimes… which is her code word for A LOT, and she imagines he's here occasionally, which is her code word for EVERY DAY. But today? She needs him. So she picks up the phone:

"Hello?" his gruff voice transfers miles across whatever magical technology waves that carries voice sounds.

"Hey." She whispers, shakily and insecure.

"Addison?" She winces, because he's always called her Addie and the reverse is almost painful.

"Hey Mark."

"Um… What's up?" He says awkwardly.

"I just… I missed you."

"Oh."

Silence, she bites her lip, "Yeah…"

"Look Addison, it's been nine months, why the fuck are you calling me?"

"I wanted to talk." She whimpers.

He sighs, but can recognize the vulnerability so he says, "Okay. What do you want to talk about?"

He can feel her relax, because despite his best efforts, his bondage to her never unraveled or even became tethered, it held steady even through the separation.

"Let's talk about you." She says, "I'm planning on living vicariously through your life."

He bites back remarks about L.A. not living up to its potential, and how she can run, but in the end she ends up back where she started and nods into the phone, never doubting the fact that she could feel his transcontinental nod, and started, "Well… What do you want to know?"

She gulps, "Um… Are you seeing anyone?" And although she masks it as a causal curiosity, she feels the fear inside her voice.

_**In New York I lost it all, to you and your vices.**_

_**Everything was ugly but your beautiful face.**_

_"Where are we going?"He laughs, and asks her as she pulls him along._

_"You'll see."She wrinkles her nose at him, "Stop being so impatient."_

_"Well I will, if you tell me where we are going." _

_She laughs, "No."_

_"Please?"_

_She looks at him and opens her mouth, "…No."_

_"Damn it Addie!"_

_"Patience," she informs him, "Is a virtue."_

_"Yeah well… I'm not exactly a virtuous person Addie"_

_"No kidding."_

_"Tell me!"_

_She laughs, deep and throaty, "You'll see."_

_He thinks she's dressed oddly for the occasion, jeans and a green t-shirt don her usually designer soaked body, and she's showing off a bit too much cleavage to be considered anything less than slutty. _

_He decides to call her on it, "What's with the exposure there Addie?"_

_She glares, "It's part of the plan."_

_"What plan?"_

_"You'll see."_

_"You say that too much for your own good."_

_She grins, "I know."_

_"I hate you."_

_"You love me."_

_"No."_

_She smirks, "You'll see."_

_He glares. She laughs. At him._

_"Where are we going Addie!" He whines as she pulls him with her, travelling towards suspiciously dirtier parts of the city that he would rather stay unfamiliar with._

_He passes several transvestites, and street performers who, to be blatantly honest, should be kicked off the streets. They pass several dumps, and stores acknowledged by the bright pink florescent lights that proclaim their existence. They pass eternity before she stops and pushes him against a wall and sticks her tongue down his throat and then announces, "We're here."_

_He swallows, "Uh huh."_

_She laughs and takes his hand, "Come on."_

_She's lead him to a dingy bar, where loud and slightly incoherent U2 was playing, and as soon as they pass the entrance, and Addison greets the bouncer as if he were an old friend, she starts swaying. Her hips move, and her eyes close, and she pulls him along to the bar. Eventually, she feels the counter with her hands and her eyes flash open, "Mike!" she exclaims to the elderly gentleman whose presence seemed omnipotent and awe inspiring. _

_He grins at her and pulls her into a hug and then turns to Mark, "Is this your husband?"  
She laughs heartily, "Mikey," she tells him, "You were the one who told me not to bring him here."_

_"That's right." He mutters, "So who's this?"_

_Her eyes sparkle, and he can tell she is exhilarated to be here, in a way she's never been exhilarated in his memory, and he can't help but grin as she says, "This is Mark."_

_Mike raises a wrinkled eye-brow, "Mark?"_

_She laughs richly, "You were the one who always told me I was morally complacent."_

_He shakes his head and says to Mark, "You know you're second best?"_

_He grins smugly, "Oh I don't know about that sir."_

_She hits him lightly, but the smirk at the edge of her mouth was enough to tell him she agreed, if only in a few, non-romantic but very much sexual ways._

_Mike nods, "This one." He tells her, "Has my approval."_

_"And Derek doesn't?" Mark ventures incredulously._

_Mike grins, "I told her no."_

_"And she married him anyway."_

_"She doesn't like to listen."_

_Mark grins, because he knows._

_"Well," Mike says, "Drinks are on me."_

_"Great." She replies, her eyes closed and the swaying resumed, "Perfect."_

_When they're both slightly intoxicated she pulls him to the dance floor and grinds against him, making him groan and sigh. _

_"How do you know him?" He asks, as he glares at another man trying to get a eyeful of Addison's rear. _

_Her eyes don't open but she murmurs, "That's my Daddy."_

_He raises an eye-brow and she explains, eyes still closed, "Biological, he was a one night stand, my mum wouldn't tell her husband that she cheated on him so…"_

_"Oh…" was all he could muster, and he traces the similarity between the two and is awed by the symmetry. It was definitely existent. _

_"So you come here often?" he asks. _

_Her eyes flutter open and she grins wickedly at him. "Yup." She says, as she climbs onto a table, "Its good money."_

_Somehow the image of her dancing on the table counteracted the cheap furnishing and oddly mixed strains of guitar floating and crashing towards them. _

_He gulps._

_**I could never take a chance, losing love to find romance. **_

"Mark?" She questions, panic fighting its way towards Seattle.

"Yeah." He snaps back, "Um… Yeah. I'm… Seeing someone."

"Oh…" she says. Sounding… disappointed? 'No.' he thinks, 'Can't be.'

"Um… Who?"

"Her name…" he says awkwardly, "Is Lexie… Lexie Grey."

She laughs despite herself, "My boys seem to have an attraction to people with that last name."

He pauses before explaining, "Sisters," he says, sheepishly.

"Oh… Oh."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"Yup."

And then she says it, and he almost misses it but she does, "Do you ever think of me?"

He closes his eyes and sighs, "All the time."

_**Day after day, alone on a hill,  
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still**_

_She calls it their hill, he does too because he takes from her all he can. _

_"Do you ever wonder about eternity?" she asks him._

_"No." he scoffs._

_"You ever think about love?"_

_"No."_

_She raises an eyebrow at him and he gulps slightly but raises a disbelieving façade, "Do you ever think about anything?"_

_"I do."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Well… Like how I can see down your shirt if you bend a certain angle."_

_She smirks, "Yeah?"_

_"Yup." He nods confirming._

_"Remind me to start dressing like a nun."  
"Don't you dare!" he exclaims quickly._

_She laughs. "You're too easy."_

_He pouts, "Am not."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Okay… fine." He concedes, because he knows that there really isn't anything he can say in his defense, and he isn't in the mood for a playful argument right about now. He's too busy concentrating on the fact that she is getting married._

_"It's going to be an eternity." She tells him._

_"Yeah." He agrees._

_"That might just suck."_

_"Yup." He repeats, not really knowing what to say, because he doesn't know what she wants to hear._

_"I just…" she groans, "I feel like I need one last fling! Or something, just to be sure I'm doing the right thing! And I know it's terrible but I just… I just need to be sure, and right now, I'm not sure." She tears her hair a bit and he melts a little, because he's Mark, and she's Addison, and this is what happens when the two of them are together for extended periods of time._

_"I'm sorry." He manages, but before he knows it, her hands are on his face, and he's being pulled towards her lips. _

_"Mmph." He says, "Addie."_

_But before long, their making out, and it feels a bit too extended to be considered experimentation but she pull away eventually, "Um…" _

_"Addie…" he implores, wanting to tell her, wanting her to know, because the pain kills him, and he's slowly becoming dead inside._

_"I…" she stammers, "I have to go."_

_He opens his mouth to protest, but recognizes the thin drawn line of her lips, formed by the clenching of her jaw and sighs, "Okay."_

_She flees, they never talk about that day again, but he never forgets how she tastes. _


	12. She Fills Some Gaps

Okay... I'M SO PISSED ABOUT THE CROSSOVER! NO ONE CROSSED OVER TO ANYTHING LAST THURSDAY AND THERE WAS TOO MUCH LEXIE FOR MY OWN TASTES! EVEN IF THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS HER SAID SHE IS GOING TO NAME HER FIRST BORN ANISTON... (she has good taste) anyways... it's not that I hate the actress, I just think that Mark treats her like a little kid in the show and the writers made her too whiny and hippie-like and Mark would NEVER be with a hippie... Okay. That's my rant. Please still read this:-)

* * *

_She fills the gaps around him the best that she knows how, it isn't her fault she can't recognize the one in his center. _

He loves her in a way he never thought possible. He loves her in the happily ever after, four kids, white picket fence; domesticated way. She was the brilliant white angel to Addison's cold-hearted devil, and the knight in shining armor to his self-loathing damsel in distress. She was his revival, and his Good Samaritan, the woman who saved him from his heart; crushed to pieces. He loved her in a way he never loved Addison; wholesomely, warmly, un-desperate, and content. Not to mention functional.

And she loves him. She really does, she holds him when he's down, contrasting the Addison method of stabbing a five thousand dollar designer heel through his already broken heart. She say's the 'I love you' first, Addison never explicitly acknowledged it until her letter. She bakes him cake for his birthday. Addison gave him booze and hot sex. She said "Let's talk about the future," Addison said, "Let's not talk until the future." She makes him smiley and warm, Addison made him hot and bothered. But most importantly, when he proposes she says 'yes,' but Addison aborted their child and fled across the country.

Except he loves her in a lukewarm, sedated way, and he loved the red-head in a hot, burning dysfunctional way, and he hates Addison for it, in a angry, pissy, dangerous way that makes him curse and tear out his hair and hurt all over, but makes him beg for forgiveness when he's done nothing but love her. They had a weird sort of relationship.

_I found a way, to drown out the other voices._

"Hey." Derek calls to him, Mark winces because Derek's cheerful act induces chain-saw massacring day-dreams.

"Hi." He replies with all the apathy he can muster.

"You know what? I've decided I can forgive you."

"For what?"

"For punching me out."

"That's great." He mumbles.

"I think so."

Mark stops and turns, "Why the fuck are you so happy?"

"I've forgiven you."

"I punched you out like two years ago."

"BUT. You're getting married."

"So?"

"So, you've finally gotten over that stupid spell Addison had you under, so I can get my friend back."

He sighs because he doesn't really have any friends anymore, so he tries to suck up to Derek, for old time's sake. "Yeah, so how's big Grey?"

His eyes grow soft and his voice becomes a whisper, "I love her."

He laughs, "No shit."

He scowls, "Well it's true!"

"Yeah! Maybe that's why you guys got married. Hah, and I still catch the two of you making out in random hallways…"

"Okay…" he admits, "Maybe I'm that obvious."

"You are."

He nods.

"It's disgusting." Continues Mark.

"Sorry…" he mumbles.

Mark laughs. "So…" he begins, "Um… I was wondering… if you would be the best man? I know we haven't been as close as we were, but I always imagined doing this with you by my side so… I just… would you?"

Derek seems to contemplate for awhile before slapping Mark on the shoulder, "Sure. Why not? I never thought this day would come. Finally Mark Sloan has grown up." Mark doesn't tell him he grew up long ago, and that it isn't the first time he's proposed, although the last time was definitely tainted with desperation and unrequited love. Instead he smiles and says thanks and gives his blessing to Meredith and watches Derek walk off, happily into the arms of his wife. They'd be brothers-in-law soon… he wasn't quite sure if he wanted that anymore.

He has two calls left to make; one of them to Addison, and he decides that takes precedence, especially because they've been talking for awhile and he's been engaged since awhile after and he still hasn't told her, or invited her to the wedding, so it was time. Or about time. As close to time as it could get.

He dials the numbers he'd memorized so readily, telling himself that the reason they tore each other apart as lovers were because they didn't fit, and the reason they worked as friends is because they couldn't see each other as often, and it saved them from blind hatred. That's what he tells himself…

To be honest, they were very ying and yang sort of people. Their lives held the meaning of opposites in balance, painted different colors but cut from the same mold. They were dysfunctional in the bittersweet way of passion, and passionate in the way of dysfunction but with her… he'd never felt more alive, nor more resilient, as if together, they could conquer the world.

He shakes himself from his day dreams, trying to ignore the fact that the newly formed couple of Alex and Izzie who'd been roaming the halls reminded himself of her and him to a dreadful degree. Alex was the same cocky bastard, Izzie the same beautiful tallness… _(A/N okay got to admit, after she cut her hair I didn't think she was that pretty… kinda plain…) _

"Hello?" The voice on the other end of the phone drew him towards it.

"Hey." He says with a whimsical smile plastered on unintentionally.

"What's up?" she asks, and he can hear her shifting busily through a pile of papers, he grins at the image.

"Um… I have some news…" he says.

"Okay… Shoot."

"Oh… Um…" he stutters.

"Mark?" she asks patiently.

"Um. I'm…" he chokes out the last words because he realizes that saying them to her gives their relationship a sense of finality, and he doesn't think he can really handle that explicit separation, "Getting… married."

Silence. And then her phone clicks off.

"Addison?" he asks into an empty receiver.

Five minutes later his phone buzzes again. "What happened?" he asks.

"Uh… The signal got cut…" she offers weakly, he accepts it, suspiciously but cynical enough not to recognize the signs of jealousy.

"Oh… Okay. So um… it's in like… three weeks, do you think you can come?"

She doesn't answer, instead she asks, "Have you told her yet?"

"Who?"

"Lexie…"

"About what?"

She scoffs, "About us. About Derek. About Anna."

"She kinda knows about us… She knows about Derek… She doesn't need to know about Anna."

"Well you're calling Anna right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. You book my hotel room next to hers. And you keep in mind, that legally? She's one half of each of us. Legally? She's our daughter."


	13. I Still Haven't Found

THEY KILLED MY SHIP! I'm pissed. Anyways... Please review! I'm devastated. And this chapter sucks... Let me be straight with you... I like the storyline, but the writing is all over the place and I don't have the heart to correct it...

* * *

_When Mark Sloan was sixteen years old, sex with the Brazilian model that sat next to him in his mandatory health class went from being an extremely good idea to a horrifying mistake. Unfortunately, he wouldn't know that until the product of their hasty affair showed up on his doorstep sixteen years later and demanded to see her father. _

_Addison, who had been with him a lot around that time had been there and promptly burst out laughing while escorting his spawn around the apartment remarking about how she had his eyes and nose. He'd thought she'd kill the poor child with her enthusiasm. _

_His child had then sat him down and explained that she didn't need anything from him, but would like him to sign official adoption papers because following the death of her mother, the only other pending option was foster care, and she really, really didn't want to travel that path. She'd also asked if he was married because courts contested the adoption less if there were two signatories. _

_She'd been staring at Addison the whole time and was surprised when Mark had said no; he wasn't and had scowled when he'd explained Addison was his friend. Addison offered to sign anyways. _

_She'd liked the idea. _

_She went on to explain that she'd been living with her mother in the poorer neighborhood in the Bronx and would wander into the city looking for whatever modeling or acting jobs she could find. Addison clucked and decided promptly that no child of Mark Sloan should live like that, although Mark had said, 'whatever floats your boat,' and extended to her an open invitation to Mark's apartment. _

_Mark had glared, Anna, her name was, had wickedly accepted. _

_Eventually, as Mark and Addison had embarked upon their affair, Anna had known through the entirety, constantly scolding Addison, 'leave that piece of shit of yours, this one loves you better.'_

_And Addison had sighed and fed her the eternally pathetic line, 'It's not that simple.'_

_But she insisted, 'It is. You just need to wise the fuck up and get off your ass girl. What the hell are you scared of?'_

_Mark had found a lot about his daughter that he, secretly, appreciated. He'd written her off as another screw-up out of the hood but she was intelligent, she'd read, she admitted it grudgingly, Steinbeck, Hemingway, Palov, Freud, and a smattering of French poets that even he hadn't conquered in his more philosophical years. She stole his Newsweeks, and Time Magazines, she read his newspapers when she visited him before school and during her weekend visits where the three of them would banter competitively until exhaustion hit, she was intelligent. She was his. _

_And of course, she loved Addison, and Mark had never seen the woman so flattered, that this beautiful, stick thin, big breasted model worshiped the ground she walked on and thought she was the most amazing thing in the world. _

_'Between the two of us…' she would often tell him in her gruff back-handed complementing manner, 'Your… friend… is the hottest thing I've ever seen…' and then she would smirk and pout her lips, 'for a white girl…'_

_'Hey!' he would exclaim in mock hurt, 'you're half white too.'_

_She would grin back, 'Not in the ways that matter.'_

_'Yeah well… she's hot. Period.'_

_'You… you love her.' She informs him getting up to put away their coffee cup and preparing to ditch._

_He shakes his head, 'I'm not sure I know how…'_

_'You know how.' She tells him, 'I know you know how.'_

_'Yeah…' he waves it off dismissively, 'I don't fall in love.'_

_She only laughed and walked through the door._

_

* * *

_He held the phone and cradled it in the nook of his arm, 'And you keep in mind, that legally? She's one half of each of us. Legally? She's our daughter.' And it really was true, in every sense, including legally she had felt like theirs. Despite the fact that Addison was married to another man and his struggle with monogamy she had always _felt _like theirs'.

"Hello?" The voice shot him out of the trance he'd been enamored with.

"Anna?" He said into the phone.

"Hey!" she cried, "I just talked to Addie, how's L.A.?"

"Um… Did Addison tell you I was in L.A?" His eyes widened slightly.

"Oh… no… I just assumed, she goes and you follow… that's how it works."

"No… I haven't seen her in a year…"

The silence is terrifying because he knows his daughter is judging him right now and he's about to tell her he's marrying another woman.

"Oh." She finally manages.

"Anyways…"

"Oh."

"Anna…"

"I told you…"

"I know."

"I told you, Mike told you, we all told you…"

"I know."

"Okay… If there isn't anything you can do?"

"No."

"Then…"

"Tell me about your life." He interrupts, "It's been awhile since we've talked."

"Um… Well… you won't be happy about it…"

"I'm never happy about it."

She laughed, "Victoria Secret's is signing me on."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You ruined my favorite store!"

"Come on!"

"No! Every time I pass now I'll see my kid staring back at me in Lingerie."

She laughed again, "Mark. Why'd you call?"

"Oh… um…"

"Mark…" she nudged.

"I'm getting married."

Silence.

After a pause, "To who?"

"Her name is Lexie… Lexie Grey."

Her voice shakes as she speaks, "No. No!"

"Anna…" he begins pleading.

"You don't know how to love anyone but her…"

"I do."

"No."

"Anna…"

"You're throwing your life away."

"You don't… you don't know that."

"Mark…" she sighs over the airwaves, "There are only a few things of which I am certain in life… and the one remaining one is your love for Addison."

"It's complicated."

"Do you love this… Lexie?"

"Yes."

"More then Addison?"

Silence.

"You don't know."

"I don't know." He confirms.

"What happened with Addie?"

"I didn't stop loving her… I just think… she never loved me…"


	14. Hard to Concentrate

A/N: Wow have not updated this in a long time, but at the request of Satan-Wears-Prada and PhoebeColeLovers, I have begun updating again. Any help with the story line would be very appreciated! Yeah it might not line up with the rest of the story but I don't really want to re-read the whole thing...

* * *

_I'm stepping up to indicate; The time has come to deviate; All I want is for you to be happy; Finally you have found something perfect..._

"This is hella boring." She whines as the champagne bubbles down her throat.

"Tell me about it." Addison replies, "It's a rehearsal dinner for MARK's wedding, you'd think it would have a little more 'umph.'"

"Or like… British call girls…"

"How would that be more interesting?"

Anna grins wickedly, "I want to see Grey flip out."

Addison only raises an eyebrow. "You do realize you scare her a bit."

"I don't like her."

"She's going to be your step-mother."

"She can suck my dick."

Addison laughs, "Right. There's a sight."

Anna grins.

_"I am not old enough to have a nineteen year old."_

_"Technically."_

_"Blah blah blah, I don't care, I feel old."_

_"You're 35."_

_"That's old."_

_Laughter, "Well if it helps, I just got a Victoria Secret's contract, that knocks like ten years off my age."_

_Silence. "That does not help! Now I'm old, and my daughter is a slut. A pretty one… but a slut."_

_"Geez mom."_

_"Don't call me that!"_

_"Don't get your… 'panties in a bunch' I believe is the saying."_

_"Fuck off."_

_"You're a wonderful role model."_

_"I try."_

_Laughter._

_"Anna?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"We both know why you're really calling, so…"_

_"Fine."_

_"Ask away."_

_"Why aren't you the one walking down the aisle?"_

_Sigh, "You know why."_

_"No. I don't."_

_"Because…" she sighs and fiddles with the chord of the phone, "Me and Mark… We never worked, we started in a bad place, continued in a bad place and ended in a bad place. It just… It didn't… We just wouldn't work. Just… Anna, please drop it. He's happy now. I want that for him. I do."_

_Another sigh, "Okay. Fine. I'll try."_

"She really can't dance."

"What the hell would you know about dancing?"

Anna shrugs, "Not much. I just know she can't dance."

"I think she dances fine… not pro but who is?"

Anna shrugs again, "All I'm saying is that at least he could pick someone who could dance so we wouldn't have to watch this idiotic fumbling the entire time."

"He's like your best friend, why are you bitching so much? It's his wedding, let him be happy."

She takes another sip of the champagne, "I'm bitching to you. I'll fake squeal about her to Mark as much as he wants. Besides, she doesn't even know I'm his kid…"

"You know," Addison says, not really severely but for the sake of conversation, "The drinking age in this country is nineteen."

Anna raises her glass, "I need this. I have to watch my father marry a woman who's only six years my senior… This is bullshit."

"You'll get drunk and make a fool of yourself."

"Then get drunk with me."

Addison gulps her martini, "Okay."

_His shape changes the charge in the ICU and she kind of wanted to hit him for ruining the constant in her life. When the particles of air shift, for her at least, it's impossible to move them back to their perspective positions. _

_"What are you doing here?" She opens, suspiciously._

_He looks at her startled, "Oh. Sorry. I was waiting for you."_

_"Why?" She asked shortly, "I told you not to."_

_"Addy."_

_She has to admit there's something stirring in the depths of her heart when she notices the juxtaposition between the enormity of Mark's figure and the fragile smallness of the babies. He's talking in whispers and the thought of Mark Sloan the father suddenly doesn't seem horrible. She shakes the feeling off. He would be a terrible father._

_"What." She snaps again, although she immediately regrets it, he gets the wounded look in his eyes again._

_"I'm going to go then." He says, his eyes trained on the ground, feet scuffing the floor, "I'll see you around."_

_She groaned, "Mark wait!" She yelled in apology, but somehow, he never turned back. _

Anna excuses herself for a few minutes to dance with some guy out of politeness and Mark takes the opportunity to take the seat next to her.

She smiles at him, "Good rehearsal. Everything's beautiful."

He nods, "You really like it?"

"It fits her." She tells him, mentally meaning that it's tacky like Lexie Grey, pink roses overflowing the hall, choking the room.

He nods satisfied, "Yeah."

"How are you doing?" she tells him and then teases, "I never thought I would see the day Mark Sloan got married."

He laughs, "Well, you know, when the time comes, the time comes."

She nods, "Well, I think you'll be a great husband, Lexie is a lucky girl."

The silence that follows emphasizes what they're both thinking, if things had occurred another way, if Addison had been less afraid and more forgiving, then _that _girl, would have been her.

Finally Mark breaks the silence, "Thank you." He says.

She nods at his back. It reminds her of that day, when she called and he still walked away.

Anna sits back down beside her, "What'd I miss?" she asks.

Addison reaches over her to the bar, "Nothing interesting." She says, and then downs an entire glass.


	15. I Walk Through the Fire

She was trying to be sexy. Anna finally understood. It had taken her awhile, moments of squinting towards the _child's _direction and scrunching her nose in concentration. But the red, low-cut dress that she used as the rehearsal wedding dress and the awkward jerking of her hips were supposed to be construed as hot and sauntering. She laughed, and threw popcorn in Lexie's direction, "Damn girl, you can't pull that shit off."

Lexie didn't hear her but Addison did and glared, "Be nice. And where'd you get the popcorn?"

"There's a movie premiere next-door, so I ditched out and got some real food."

"For what movie?"

"Fuck if I know."

"You said they have popcorn?"

"They have a shit-load of food."

"I want some popcorn."

"Go."

"That would be rude, you know, to not eat the hostess's food."

"I've been doing it for the past ten minutes."

"You've also been throwing it at her and laughing like a fucking under aged drunk."

"I am an under aged drunk."

"Well and you scare her."

"Well its Mark's fault for marrying someone who scares easily. What if she finds the skeletons in his closet? There's a lot."

Addison stood up, "I think I am going to go get popcorn… Or should I go dance with someone? We could show them how it's done."

" Addy, I do realize you are a fantastic ballroom dancer and that's how you learned how to balance on your damn high heels and blah blah blah, but I'm gonna go grind."

Addison laughs, "Fine, I'll go hide in that corner with all the booze and hope no one asks me how I know you."

"Bitch, you're jealous of my dancing skills."

"Hardly."

Anna shrugs, "You know you are."

Addison laughs and _saunters _off and Anna thinks to herself, 'there's how it's done.' And then walks to the floor, just as a slow song begins. She groans, but just as she was turning to leave, an arm reached out and grabbed her hand. "Can I have this dance?" He asked.

She smiled, "Daddy, what a nice surprise."

Mark frowned, "Don't call me that."

She laughs, "you and Addison are both so anal about that."

Mark ignores the duality in the statement and asks, "Are you having a good time?"

"Mark. I'm happy for you and all but seriously? This isn't my jam. It's not really yours either."

"You know, there's this thing called compromise, I'm not sure you know anything about it though."

"Shut up."

"Can't you be happy for me?"

"I'm happy for you."

"Can you stop freaking out? And freaking her out?"

"No can do amigo, 'Adversity builds character.'"

"I think she already has character."

"Hey. I'm just looking out for you."

"And I appreciate that, but, you could do it by not pissing me off."

"Aye aye."

"Seriously."

"Why so serious?"

"Anna."

"Fine. I'll lay off the egging."

"Thank you. She wanted to throw you out of the reception."

'Fine by me' she mumbles under her breathe but just nods, "I'll try."

"Ten more days until the pseudo wedding."

"What are you talking about? It's an actual wedding."

"Look Addy, I told my Daddy that I got his back, now what kind of daughter would I be if I let him marry shinny-bitch?"

"She's not a bitch."

"She's got no curves."

Addison opens her mouth to defend but nothing comes out, "Actually that's true." She admits.

"That thing, ain't no woman."

"You questioning your father's judgment?"

"I'm questioning his sobriety. I highly doubt there is any in his jackass of a mind."

"Okay. Well I'm going to leave you to stew over that."

"Where you going?"

"I'm going to take a walk."

"Okay."

Mark groans as the staccato of wood against fist hammers on his door. "Coming." He called gruffly, rubbing the fogginess from his eyes and desperately trying to clear his mind. "Yes?" He questions as he opens the door and then stops short when he sees his visitor.

She looks uncertain, "Can I come in?"

"Yeah." He says cautiously and then opens the door farther to accommodate her.

"Um…" she looks nervous, "Is Lexie here?"

"No." He explains, "She thought it was best if we didn't live together right before the wedding… some sort of celibacy thing."

Addison snorted a bit, "Seriously? You're marrying one of those?"

He shrugs, "Yeah."

She nods, "Um… How are you?"

"Good. Good. How are you."

"Same…" The awkwardness descends and they can both feel the frustration because it didn't use to be this hard, their conversations didn't use to have restrictions and appropriate domains.

"Addy. Why are you here?"

"Is it bad that I feel like I'm losing you?" She looks worried and unsure and he's taken back, to the distant past where the look held prominent dominance over her face.

"You're not…"

"I know I'm not, and I know we hardly talked since I left and all but… I just… it was always the three of us you know? Before all the shit happened and then for a long time it was the two of us…" she shrugs, "I miss that… is all. I miss you sometimes."

He sighs, "I miss you too. You know that."

"Yeah." She giggles, "Of course. I just thought I'd never see the day when Mark Sloan would get his act together…"

"Hey. You knew I would."

"Yeah. I did. I just… I never really envisioned it."

He asks the question silently, but it resonates nonetheless, "Is that why you never trusted me?"

She hesitates a little, and shifts from foot to foot before answering, "a little, a part of it I guess, it's just, we were always best friends the three of us, and I think, somehow, inevitably, we are all bound together in some inexplicable connection… But you were always the womanizer and Derek was always the straight arrow, which is why I found it easier to be with him then to imagine I had feelings for you… Well… this isn't really something we should be talking about so close to your wedding."

"Do you regret it?" And he thinks the question is a bit ambiguous and far-reaching but she understand and looks him in the eye, "No." she says, "Nothing would have changed…"

"Do you think… If I had waited…" and she knows what he is trying to ask and shakes her head against his logic, "No. It is what it is Mark… Don't think otherwise…"

"Okay.


	16. There's a Song That's Inside of My Soul

"Is there something specifically that you wanted to tell me? Because you don't usually barge into hotel rooms in the middle of the night without something on your mind."

She pacing the floor and scuffing up a significant amount of his floor-board so he's beginning to feel concerned.

"I just… I don't…" And then she looks towards him, "We don't get second chances in this life… I mean, not too often."

He sits down because he recognizes her tone, and realizes the immense of a long, drawn-out ramble. He settles in for the night prepared to listen to her tirade.

"You know? I just… well you don't know. I… I don't like regret, and we only have one chance to live… and I've been sitting here listening to Anna piss off about you and Lexie for so long… it's just… I tried to defend her damn it!"

"Addy." She shaking just a bit and he tries to calm her, he puts both hands on her shoulders and steadies her and she begins to cry, "I tried to defend her. I just…" she wipes the tears from her eyes, "Okay… I'm just… I'll just… Mark… We don't get infinite chances, and I've been walking around this topic, I've been walking all over you for awhile… I… I love you. I miss you. I… I want you back."

He's stunned. He's been so far beyond the point where he realizes that Addison might actually have feelings for him besides hatred that it takes him by surprise. When he doesn't move she sighs, "Alright… I um…Oh God did I just say that?… Um just… goodnight Mark." And she leaves and closes the door behind her. He doesn't move for another half-hour.

She walks into the room dripping and with red eyes. Anna immediately stands up and rushes to her side. "What happened? Addy? It's three in the mourning! I was so worried!"

"I…" she stammers, "I may have… I may have just made a mistake…"

"What? What did you do?" Addison doesn't answer.

"Add?"

She jerks her eyes upward and then glances back down, "I just… Oh god…"

"Shhh." Anna soothes, "Hey. I'm here. You don't have to talk about it. Its early… First, let's get you rested. We'll deal with it in the morning."

Addison nods complacently and changes in the same indifferent cloud she stumbled in with.

_There's a song that's inside of my soul,_

_It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again._

_I'm awake in the infinite cold,_

_But you sing to me over, and over and over again._

The pounding of the piano keys awoke Addison and she wandered into the kitchen desperate for aspirin and a coffee to ease the remnants of her sob-fest the night before.

"So." Anna asks her as the songs patters out into silence, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

Anna sighed, "Addison, what happened?"

"How the fuck did you get a piano in the hotel room?"

"It's amazing what you can get if you ask nicely."

"I didn't even know you could play piano."

"A little. Don't evade the question."

"I don't think I can go to the wedding."

She jerked towards her face sharply, "What?"

"I should probably leave." She's mumbling to herself now.

"Addison!"

"Anna. I just… I can't watch this."

"You have to. What'll Lexie think? What would everyone think? What would Mark think?"

Addison looked up guiltily.

"You told him!"

"I wasn't… he just… damn it! I can't think clearly around him."

"Addison."

"Save it." She snapped, "I'm not going."

"Bullshit."

"What?" She asked incredulously.

"You do not back away, ever!"

"Maybe it's time!"

"It's not."

"I'm not going."

"We'll see."


	17. Killing Me Softly

A/N: Short. And you'll all hate me.

XXXXXX

There's a thick staccato against the door and this time she's the one receiving it. "Anna." She groans, "I'm not going!"

"It's not Anna." The voice on the other end says. She freezes.

"Addison?" It asks.

"Oh…" she fumbles with her bathrobe, drawing it closer to her sides as if for protection, "I'm coming."

The latch proves to be a slight problem, as did the knob and the door itself but eventually she pries it open just enough for him to slide through. "Um…" she racks her brain for the proper etiquette, "What's up?" she ends up with, and then winces. That was bad.

"I need you to understand." He says, and for the first time since his abrupt entrance she looks up into his eyes and sees the confusion and regret and disappointment stirred into his grey-blue eyes.

"Understand what?" she says, arms drawn across her chest.

"Why this sucks."

"Oh I know why this sucks." She laughs bitterly.

"Addison." He sighs, "I need you to hear me out."

She glares a bit but then nods, breaking her face a bit, collapsing the curve of her lips. She flops onto the bed and gestures towards the piano seat, telling him to sit.

"Can I start?" he asks permission.

She nods miserably, "I know what you're going to say."

"I'm going to say it anyway."

"That's fair."

"I think so."

"Go ahead."

"Your timing is fucked up."

"I know." She twirls a strand of hair around her finger, "So was yours."

"It wasn't the best…"

"While I was married?"

"It worked didn't it?"

"You cheated on me…" her face fell and she looked away but whispered softly, "Why wasn't I enough? Why is Lexie what you need? Why couldn't I be that?"

He reaches towards her, "Lexie… I need to do this Addison, because I can't… we can't do this anymore. The two of us… it was a wreck. One step forward and two steps back, or something… I just… marrying Lexie is something I need to do to prove I'm not an asshole… but she's not enough. Your always there. You're always a threat. You were enough… I was just scared."

"So I can't ask you to leave her."

"I think it's best if we part ways here."

"Me too. I guess."

"I'll see you at the wedding?"

She shakes her head vigorously, choking up, "I can't… I won't…" she sighs and controls herself, "I just can't."

He nods, he doesn't think he could watch someone else marry her either. He moves over to the bed and sits down beside her, one hand tilting back the peak of her chin and his thumb catching the tears as they slid down her face. He leans in for a final kiss and they stay together unmoving, chaste but lingering. Finally she pulls away, turns her face from his, "You should go." She chokes out.

There are tears in his eyes now too, "yeah." He agrees, "I should."

And those are the final words as he walks out the door.


	18. Dangerous Plastic Words

_Picking up broken words,_

_Snipping the tips off,_

_Grindig down the longs ones,_

_That wind around your eardrums._

_Dangerous plastic words,_

_For crowd dispersal,_

_And dumb dumb words_

_That could blow your head off._

_This is a story 'bout the three of us,_

_Down by the water and the tide is rising,_

_This world is burning and I'm terrified,_

_I need a little more time with you,_

_Just a litte more time with you._

She used to think life was so simple. Comprised of brief moments of elation and followed with brief moments of depression. There's a part of her that she'd buried so deep and she didn't know it existed until it exploded in her face. Mark is getting married. The happiness is gone, faded with his love. And once again she's miserable.

It hurts to be a part from him, and it doesn't mean distance or time or space, but it hurt that a woman had situated herself between their collision paths and chained him up, locked him away in her lair.

Addison can't go to the wedding, but she wants to. She wants to so bad.

Because she wants to stop it.

"You sure you aren't coming?" Anna asked her, as she stared blankly at the tile in the bathroom of her hotel room.

"Yeah. I just… it would be inappropriate." Anna knows the difference between inappropriate and painful but she doesn't say anything. She only nods in understanding.

"Okay. I'd ditch you know, for you but he's my dad."

"No!" Addison protests "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I haven't… nothing happened. I just can't."

And Anna doesn't believe her but she also knows that Addison has no choice but to manipulate her own beliefs. It's a very dangerous cycle of denial, but Anna isn't a shrink so there's not much she can say.

"Okay. We'll have dinner tomorrow right? Before you go back?"

"Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Okay then." And Addison watched as her daughter, clothed in scarlet silk and silver jewels, strolled into the hotel corridor, and made her way to the wedding reception of Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey.

And then she began to drink.

XXXXXX

Anna approached her father for one last check before the ceremony began.

"You look good." She tells him, but there's something in her voice that betrays her worry.

"How's Addison?" He chokes out.

"She's fine. She wishes you luck."

Mark nods, knowing the lie when he hears it, but needed the façade to continue longer. If he was going to do this, if he was going to marry someone else, he needed her to be happy. He needed to at least believe she was happy.

"Are you really going to do this?"

"Do I have another choice."

"Yes."

"What is it then?" he challenges, "Tell me."

"You know what it is."

"I don't."

"I'm not going to play this game with you. You know what it is, you know what to do."

"I'm weak."

"No. You're not."

"I am, I am very weak, I am the poster child of weak…"

"I don't believe that line."

"It's true."

"I think you're making a mistake, but I guess that's up to you. I'm not here to judge, if this makes you happy, if she makes you happy, then I'm happy too."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

She makes one last sweep off his shoulders and then turns him around, looking at him in the mirror, "You're a handsome man." She tells him, "I'm so very proud to have your genes."

And he smiles, genuinely, "Thank you."

"Go get married."

XXXXXX

There's not enough alcohol in the room to fill her up, so she makes her way to the bar. She flips out at the first guy who tries to hit on her. He retreats quickly, and she glowers in his direction. People stay away from her after that.

She orders a Gin Tonic because that's her father's drink and her father reminds her of Mark in ways that are less obvious and more meaningful than the more obvious and less meaningful ones.

She's drinking to get drunk. She's drinking to drown herself. She's drinking to kill.

She doesn't know how much time has elapsed but she's beginning to black out, she gets out of her seat and staggers a few feet forward, a few feet in another direction and then stops. And then the world goes black.

XXXXXX

The reception hall is magnificent, everyone said so. He knows the decorations are in the right place, he knows the flowers are perfect and fertile, he knows the preacher is eloquent and the dress is impeccable and his suit makes him look like James Bond or Bruce Wayne. There's something that taints the perfection and he feels it beginning to strangle him, he thinks this is unfair.

His bride is walking towards him from the end of the isle, and she's smiling and there are tears streaking her made up eyes. He should be touched, really he should, but there's something so fake, so off about this whole scenario, he's not as nervous as he thought he would be, there's no excitement, there's just wariness, he finds himself thinking, '_let's get this over with already,' _and he knows it's bad. Something feels wrong, something feels off. And then, he gets hit by the first flash of red. The music gets louder and pounds against his head and he's seeing red. The spots in eyes are the same color as Addison's hair and he begins to panic.

"Are you okay?" He can hear the preacher asking vaguely, from a distance. He gets hit by a second flash, Addison's face, screaming.

"Mark?" Lexie's voice, it begins to call to him, he gets hit by the third, Addison fallen, almost dead. And then he begins to run.

_One fine day you'll sing,_

_Your inevitable love song_

_Inevitable lie song_

_Inevitable cry song_


End file.
